I'm Not Alone
by Mindylynne
Summary: After the events of Jay's kidnapping and rescue, Erin goes looking for Jay. She needs to see that he is really okay.
1. Chapter 1

Jay heard the knock on his door. He muted the TV, and pulled up his aching body and slowly moved towards the door. Pain radiated down his body with each laborious step. Right as his hand touched the knob, his visitor knocked again. More firmly this time.

"Jay!" He heard Erin call out. A slight edge in her voice. He paused, with his hand still on the knob. A thousand different scenarios about why Erin was there and what exactly she might be here to say flew through his mind. He opened the door.

"Jay-"He interrupted her mid knock, her hand raised against the now empty space. "You're home." She stated quietly. He could see a look of relief cross her concerned face. Jay nodded in response, not quite sure what he wanted to say to her. Last he had seen her, she had been swept into Voight's car to be taken to the precinct while he had been coerced into the back of the ambulance and taken to Chicago Med. The image of her covered with blood still stained his mind. She had changed and cleaned up, but the anguish was still evident in her face.

He had never been more grateful to see her as the two thugs had dragged him into Keyes' study. He had accepted the fact that he was probably going to die. As he had been pummeled and beaten, her face had been what kept him from passing out. Remembering the past. Memories of lazy Sunday mornings, dinners in obscure restaurants, and stolen moments in the locker room. If he was going to die, he was going to die thinking of her. Then, as if his mind had conjured her, there Erin was. The quick minutes in which they both fought for their lives had replayed themselves over and over in his mind the last few hours. One misstep any way, and one or both of them might not have survived the ordeal.

Despite this, he couldn't help but also remember his conversation with her just yesterday. Was it really just yesterday morning? She'd quit. Walked away. Given up their partnership so she could wallow in misery with drugs, alcohol, and losers. Who knows what she had been up to over the last three weeks? He couldn't just forget that.

Erin shoved her hands into her pockets and awkwardly looked around the apartment hallway. "I just… I wanted to see…" She cautiously looked up into his eyes. "I needed to see that you were okay." Still not speaking, Jay opened the door fully, and stepped to the side in a silent invitation to enter.

Erin moved forward into the darkened apartment. The only light from the muted television replaying one of those old action movies that Jay loved. Her eyes surveyed the room. It had been over a month, or maybe longer, since she had been here. Her eyes searched for any changes to the small room. A sign that Jay had changed, moved on, wasn't the same man she had left behind. But there wasn't anything. Everything looked as it always looked. As if it was just this morning that she had last been here bickering over what channel morning news to watch and teasing him about his miniscule kitchen.

She turned to watch as Jay followed her into the living area. She noted the way he gingerly walked. Arm held at an unnatural angle. "You know…" she started, "this wasn't my first stop of the night." She walked to the back of his couch, her fingers fiddling with the top of the couch cushion. She met his eyes, "imagine my surprise when I arrived at the hospital to check up on you, only to find out you had discharged yourself against doctor's orders."

Jay rolled his eyes, "Save it. I've already heard it all from Will." He grimaced as he lowered himself to the couch. "I just wanted to be home. After today, I…" he broke off as a quick memory of earlier flashed into his mind. He could feel their fists pounding into him as he swayed from the ceiling hook. The metallic taste of blood in his mouth as the Taser burned into his skin. "I just wanted to be home," he finished. He reclined back onto the couch. His eyes closing as he rested his head against the back cushion.

Erin walked around to the front of Jay's couch and gently sat down on the opposite side of him. She faced him tucking her leg up under her. She bit her lip as she survey the damage she could see. The bruising under his left eye had colored even more in the hours since she had last seen him. The gashes on his forehead and cheek had been expertly stitched but swelling, bruising, and fresh scabs marred his always handsome face. Erin fought the urge to reach out and touch him, just to feel his warm skin under her fingers tips. She need confirmation that he was here: flesh and blood. Alive. As if under a spell, her hand reached out and her fingertips gently stroked a spot on his cheek that was free from abuse. His breath caught as he felt her touch and his eyes popped open. Clear blue met stormy hazel eyes. Her hands stilled, but didn't drop from his face.

"I'm sorry," she murmured quietly. Her hand gently cupping his cheek. Her eyes glassy, as tears that she had held in all day, maybe all month, threatened to fall once again. Guilt overwhelming her. Was Voight right? If she had been there in Midway, would any of this had happened? It was hard to see her normally strong partner looking so vulnerable and broken.

"For what?" He questioned softly. He needed to know. Did she regret quitting the team? Quitting him? His eyes searched hers looking answers.

Erin pulled her hand back and broke eye contact. "Can I get some water?" She stood quickly and walked to the kitchen without waiting for a response. "Want some?" She called back over her shoulder. Her body acted on autopilot as she got two glasses down from the familiar cabinet and filled them from the filtered jug in his fridge. Her eyes surveying the usual beer and takeout containers that usually filled his refrigerator. Nothing's changed, she thought quietly.

She sucked in her breath as she spun around and realized Jay was standing right behind her. She hadn't heard him get up from the couch and follow her into the kitchen. He took a glass from her hand, took a sip, and then reached around her to place it on the counter behind her. She felt trapped as he leaned in even closer to her. The only light in the room came from an outside light reflecting in the darkened room. She couldn't see his eyes clearly, but his nearness was overwhelming. She felt like he was sucking the air out of the room. She couldn't breathe as she felt his breath against her cheek. The glass in her hand the only thing keeping her from overheating. She nervously brought it to her lips, grateful for the distraction. The cool liquid calmed her slightly, but she couldn't help her eyes from darting towards the door. She wanted to escape, but that has been what she had been doing for weeks. She had come here for a reason.

Jay lifted his hand to her hip and gently brushed the shield on her hip with his thumb. His eyes dropping quickly to the star before meeting hers again. This time a different question in them.

Erin gave a slight nod at the unasked question. "I'm back," she stated quietly. She couldn't help her heart from swelling slightly when his lips turned up slightly in a grin.

"Okay." He spoke simply, retrieved the glass again from behind her, and turned and walked back towards the living room. He stopped at the end table and grabbed a bottle of pills, untwisted the top, and spilled a few into his hand.

"Okay?" Erin followed him questioning his simple acceptance of her return. "I abandon you, the team. I treat you like shit for weeks. Then I say 'I'm back,' and you are okay with it?" She couldn't help the anger from creeping into her voice. Anger at herself for all that she had done.

Jay swallowed his pills, praying for them to work quickly. The aching in his ribs and head had gotten progressively worse, and his body craved rest. He met Erin's eyes, noting the fiery spark in them. Maybe he _should_ be mad at her. Maybe he _should_ question if she should be back at work. But right now, he was just happy she was back. _His_ Erin. Even the spark of irritation at him that he could see in her eyes right now was a welcome sight to the emptiness he had gotten used to seeing over the last month.

"You're back. That's all I wanted." He set his glass down, grabbed the remote, flipped the television off, and gingerly walked towards his bedroom. Switching on the bedside light as he entered. The pounding in his head too much. Now that he knew Erin was back and he had his answers, the pain that he had pushed aside had stormed in. He needed to lay down or he might pass out.

Still not accepting of his declaration, Erin followed him into his bedroom. "Do you still trust me?"

"Yes." Jay answered without hesitation. He pulled the blanket on top of his bed back and slowly rolled into the bed. "I feel like my head is going to explode." He murmured as he closed his eyes as if to ward off the pain. He sighed as his head was cushioned by the pillow.

Erin sat on the edge of the bed. Her eyes tracing his face. Looking for signs of doubt in him. That maybe he didn't trust her, didn't want her back. She shook her head slightly even though he couldn't see it. That was Jay for you. Open and honest. She's his partner, and he wants her back. She's back. Case closed.

"You should be in the hospital. You shouldn't be alone."

His eyes fluttered open. "I'm not alone. You're here." He stated simply. He yawned, but grimaced as the yawn stretched the stitches on his cheek. "Will said he'd check on me in the morning." Erin nodded at him, but noted that Jay had already closed his eyes and settled more firmly into the pillow. Even as she watched she could sense his breathing steady as he fell into a much needed slumber. Slowly she eased off the bed, and pulled the blanket up over his body. Her hand ghosted down the side of face as she turned to leave. Suddenly, he reached up grabbed her wrist. "Stay."

Cloudy blue eyes, already feeling the effects of the painkillers, met her. "Jay, I can't-"

"Stay," he repeated. "I need my partner." He shuffled over in the bed slightly, and gave a gentle tug on her arm.

Deciding not to deny what her heart and body both wanted, unable to refuse his request, she toed off her shoes and crawled into the bed. Leaning over to flip off the light as she pulled the blanket up over them both. Her body instantly curled into his, as if it hadn't been months since she had found herself here. Their bodies fit together, always had. As she lay pressed against his side, she could feel his breathing even out again. She tried to tell her mind that she was just being a friend, a partner, but she knew there was nobody else in the world that she could open herself up to like she could with Jay. Maybe now wasn't the right time for them. She had to figure quite a few things out first. After all, she was going to be bunking down with Voight for a few weeks, but she still thought that they might have a someday…one day.


	2. Chapter 2

Erin awoke slowly as early morning light began to drift in through the windows. She blinked a few times and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. She had a slight headache, but her mind was surprisingly clear. In recent days, more often than not, she had been waking up midafternoon, hungover and craving a high or a drink. This morning though, she felt odd…comfortable. As she shifted slightly in the bed, she felt the warmth radiating from the body next to her. It wouldn't have been the first time in the last few weeks that she had awoken next to someone, but it was the first time she smiled when she remembered the night before and who lay sleeping beside her.

 _Stay._

His request had been simple, but a part of Erin knew that she probably shouldn't have stayed. Her life was messy right now, and she was barely keeping it together. Adding her drama to his life would probably just bring him more pain, but she had just missed him so much and was just so thankful that he was alive, that she couldn't resist. The pleading in his eyes, the intensity in his grip, had made her realize that he needed her just as much as she needed him. While it may not have been the smartest decision for her to stay the night, it ended up probably being the most peaceful night of sleep that she'd had since Nadia's death.

Erin rolled over slightly so she could study his sleeping form. Jay's face was relaxed in his sleep, but the stress his ordeal was evident. His cheek was puffy and bruises in various shades of black, blue, and purple were scattered across his face. Each the mark where a fist had slammed into him. Her brow creased in concern over his injuries. She couldn't help but think, if she had been there, not given up on her career, that he never would have been taken and tortured in the first place. She tried to shake the feeling off. Guilt hadn't been helping her much lately.

Quietly she slipped out of the bed, trying carefully to not wake Jay. She felt a bit of hunger, and couldn't quite remember the last time she had eaten. Yesterday? Lunch? Maybe breakfast? She quietly padded out of the bedroom and towards the kitchen. As she passed the living room, her eyes lingered on Jay's bottle of painkillers on the end table. She didn't want to feel the pull, but she did. Breaking her glance she continued into the kitchen.

Rummaging through the take out containers revealed little edible food. She knows Jay eats, his athletic body shows he must eat healthy. Clearly not at home though. Deciding to run out to the corner store for some bagels and coffee, she tiptoed back into the bedroom and grabbed her boots. She paused as she left the bedroom glancing back at Jay as he lay sleeping. A soft smile danced upon her face. It felt good to be around him again, even when he was passed out snoring. Leaning against the living room couch she slipped one boot on and was bending over, trying to get the second boot on, when she heard a light knocking on Jay's door.

Crap! She had forgotten that Will was coming by in the morning to check on Jay. She hopped quickly towards the door while she pulled on her boot. She pulled open the door while she bent down pulling on her shoe, not yet glancing at Will. "Hey, I was just running out to get breakfast, Jay is still in sleeping in bed-" She broke off as her eyes met, not Jay's brother but Hank Voight's blue eyes. Her mouth opening in surprise as she straightened. "Hank."

His mouth tightened and his eyes narrowed. "Erin," he greeted her coolly. Not waiting to be invited in, he stepped through the door, his eyes searching the room. She noticed his eyes skate over the pill bottle before refocusing on Erin. "I was wondering where you were last night. I thought I made it clear that part of our agreement was that if you plan on returning, you are staying with me." He jabbed his thumb towards the back bedroom. "Not shacking up with your boyfriend."

"Shhhh…" Erin gestured towards the bedroom herself. "He's still sleeping and he needs to rest. You know what he went through yesterday." She practically hissed at Voight. "We are not shacking up. I went to the hospital to see him, and found out he had checked himself out. I just came over here to see if he was okay. I didn't plan on staying, but he was in a lot of pain. I thought he needed some help. That he needed a friend."

Voight looked pointedly at the couch that clearly had not been slept on. "You sleep on the couch? Like a friend?" His voice rising again.

Erin ignored the comment. "I was going to go and pick up some coffee and breakfast for Jay, then I have a big day of packing ahead of me. If you don't have anything more to say, I'd just as soon see you out." She swiped her keys off the end table and took a few steps toward the door.

Voight held his ground. "Actually, I'm not here for you. I stopped by the hospital to check on Halstead and heard he was home. Thought I'd see how he was doing. Didn't expect to see you here." When Erin hadn't shown up at the Voight household last night, Hank had assumed the deal was off. He had envisioned Erin finishing her night in some bar with her mother. Since he had assumed Halstead was still at Chicago Med, it hadn't even occurred to him that she might be here.

Erin rolled her eyes, "Oh, so you're allowed to come and check on him, but I, _his partner,_ can't?"

Voight laughed bitterly, "Well, I'm not going to crawl into bed with him, that's for sure."

A deep, sleep-filled voice spoke up, "…and for that I am eternally grateful." Erin and Voight's eyes both swung to the bedroom opening where Jay stood, half propped up against the door jam. He looked like hell.

While Voight had no doubt that Erin had spent the night in Halstead's bed, it was evident that sex had not been an option. He was surprised the man was even standing, even though he was only barely upright. Bruises and abrasions were visible on his face, and Hank was well aware of the damage to his chest and ribs that were hidden under his t-shirt. Jay raised his eyebrows in greeting to Erin and nodded to Hank as he slowly lumbered over to the couch. Slowly, he sank to the couch, pain evident in his face. "It appears I'm hosting a party in here."

Voight narrowed his eyes, " _Erin_ was just leaving to get some breakfast for us all." He gave a tight smile to Erin, "I'll keep _Jay_ company while you are gone." His words were final as he walked across the room, pulled out a chair from Jay's kitchen table, and set it in the space opposite where Jay sat on the couch. Hank leaned back in the chair crossing his legs out in front of him and crossing his arms across his chest. He fixed Jay with a glare, not unlike the look he gave some suspects that he faced in the interrogation room.

Erin stood halfway to the door, keys still dangling from her fingers. Her eyes ping ponged back and forth between the two most important men in her life. Voight's steely gaze differed so much from Jay's slightly amused expression. She just shook her head in disgust, turned around, and walked out the door, slamming it behind her.

Jay involuntarily winced as the sound reverberated in his head. While he had slept well once Erin had arrived, he had awoken to a throbbing headache. Every muscle and bone in his body ached. He felt like he had been run over by a truck. Not to mention that being awoken to the gravely sound of his boss's voice in his apartment was less than pleasant. It didn't take but a sec to realize that Voight was royally pissed to find Erin in Jay's apartment. Judging by the expression in his eyes, he had clearly figured out Erin had slept in Jay's bed. He sighed lightly. This conversation was not going to be fun.

"Sleep well?" Hank's voice was low as he leveled a look at Jay.

"Better than the night before." Jay shot back, subtly reminding Voight that less than 24 hours earlier he had spent the night being held captive and beaten for information that, for the record, he had not given up.

Hank pursed his lips in annoyance. He couldn't help but admire the younger man and what he had just been through. Halstead was a good man, and sometimes even showed signs of being a great cop. There was a part of him that wasn't even that upset that Erin had come here. While he had no tolerance for in house romance, he still knew that the two of them made a good team. There was a reason he hadn't ever officially broken up their partnership despite his obvious suspicions about their involvement.

Hank jerked his head towards the bedroom, "So, what's going on here?"

"Pshh," Jay smirked. "Please, I can barely walk. Nothing's happening here." Jay reached across the couch and grabbed his painkillers off the end table and dry swallowed a few.

"Maybe not last night, but what about in the future." Hank leaned forward anger flashing in his eyes. "Lindsay is just starting to get her shit together. She doesn't need any romantic entanglements screwing with her mind. She needs to be focused on her recovery and her job." He gestured aimlessly towards the bedroom. "Not whatever _thing_ you two think you have going on here."

"Nothing's happening here." Jay repeated. "I checked out of the hospital, Erin stopped by, I felt like crap, and I asked her to stay." He sighed suddenly exhausted. "I don't know what more you want me to say?"

"What are your intentions?" Voight demanded almost yelled.

"Depends. Who's asking, my boss or Erin's father?" Jay allowed irritation to creep into his voice. Voight acted like he had just caught the two of them naked doing it in her high school bedroom. He half expected Voight to pull out a shotgun and demand he put a ring on it. Or demand that he get the hell out of town.

"Does it matter?" Voight queried.

Deciding that he was never going to get peace and quiet until he answered Voight's questions, Jay let his thoughts flow out of his mouth unfiltered. "If I am talking to my boss, then I don't know what your problem is. I have _always_ had Erin's best interests in mind, no matter what. Even when you had turned your back on her and let her walk away, I kept pushing her to get her act together. I'm dedicated to the job. I think the last 24 hours have proven that. I'm loyal to you and the unit. Every time we go through a door, I have Erin's back. I have from day one, and I don't see why that would ever change. Don't you agree?" Hank reluctantly nodded. Jay took a breath. Defending his stance as Erin's partner was easy. Explaining the rest was a bit trickier. He kept his eyes steady as stared down his intimidating boss.

Jay continued, "But if I'm talking to you as her father, well, I don't know what kind of man you want for her. I respect her. She is smart, strong, and can kick ass like no other woman I have ever met. She makes me laugh and busts my balls whenever she gets the opportunity. But that's not even what makes her special." He pauses for a second and breaks eye contact with Hank. He looks down at his hands, unsure of how to proceed. Here he was sharing and admitting things to Voight, which he hadn't even admitted to himself. "She got so much heart, ya know. She cares so much that it overwhelms her at times. That's why Nadia messed with her head so much. She might be damaged and have seen and done things that could have caused another person to just give up. But she keeps pulling herself out."

He met Voight's eyes again and spoke confidently. "I will be there for her as she pulls herself out this time, too. Maybe as her partner, maybe as something more."

Voight stared at the young man in front of him. As pissed as he was at Jay, he couldn't help but respect him. Not that it changed anything. He knew that any sort of relationship between the two would more than likely end with drama in the squad room. There was however that tiny voice in the back of his head, a voice that sounded suspiciously like his late wife, that told him that Jay just might be the man to keep Erin grounded. The two had a certain vibe. It's part of what made them such good partners.

He tapped his foot in annoyance at Jay, at himself. Eyes narrowed as he tried decide how to respond.

The door to Jay's apartment suddenly swung open. Erin stood with a coffee tray in one hand and a white paper bag in the other. She was slightly out of breath as if she had ran up the stairs, which Hank suspected she had. She seemed relieved as she looked back and forth between the two. Her eyes lingered on Jay. She seemed to be searching his face as if to verify no new injuries had been acquired in the brief time she was gone. She walked further into the living room and laid the coffees and bag on the coffee table.

Voight pushed himself up out of his chair. "Glad to see you in one piece, Jay." He started walking towards the door. He looked back over his shoulder at Erin. "I'll be home this afternoon to help you drop off your stuff if you need it. I'll get your room ready. I'm going to make up a batch of Camille's homemade chili for this guy. Maybe you can run it back over this evening. Can't have him surviving off bagels, coffee, and take out. We need your partner back at a hundred percent as soon as possible." Ignoring Erin's open mouth stare. He whistled as he walked out the open door, discreetly closing it behind him.

Erin spun around in shock, facing Jay's amused look. "Okay, what the hell happened here?"


	3. Chapter 3

Erin slowly pulled up to curb, put the car into park, and looked across the street to the house that represented the only true home she'd ever had. It was a place she'd always felt welcome. She had always known she could stop by for a hot meal, a cup of coffee, or to do a free load of laundry. She recalled holiday dinners with Camille bustling around the kitchen trying in vain to teach Erin how to stuff a turkey or bake a traditional apple pie. She remembered, somehow even fondly, bickering with Justin over the bathroom and the remote control. A smile even crept across her face as she recalled a few boys she'd hung out with her senior year. She remembered trying to sneak Steven Whittle up the stairs when she thought Hank was asleep in the living room. Yeah, that didn't go over well. Fifth stair from the top squeaks. She'd have to remember that if Jay tried to-

Erin shook the thought off. She'd barely even gotten to speaking terms with Jay, and she was already imagining sneaking him into the Voight household for some prohibited hanky-panky. A household that she'd never imagined she ever move back into. Let alone the fact that Jay probably had zero interest in starting any sort of relationship with her again. After all, it had gone so well the last time.

Unable to put off the inevitable, she opened the car door, grabbed her two duffle bags from the back seat, and crossed the street to her temporary home. She used her key to open the door, and dropped her bags at the foot of the stairs. Smells wafted in from the kitchen. Apparently, Voight hadn't been joking when he said he was going to make a pot of his homemade chili. She was still trying to figure out what might have transpired between Jay and Hank this morning at the apartment. When she left for coffee, Hank had been staring daggers at Jay, but a mere ten minutes later he had been whistling as he had walked out the door.

Erin had tried to get to the bottom of their conversation with Jay, but Will had arrived and had shoved Erin out the door just a few minutes after Hank had left. Will had cited that Jay needed rest after he examined him. Erin had reluctantly left, while Jay sent her an amused look over Will's shoulder. The whole time she had been at her apartment cleaning up the remnants of Bunny's party and packing, she kept thinking over what they had been discussing. It wasn't vanity to know that they were discussing her, but what exactly?

Erin wandered into the kitchen and found Hank sitting at the kitchen table reading the newspaper and drinking what Erin imagined was his fourth cup of coffee of the day. He folded the paper and set it down as Erin slid into the chair across from him. Hank met her eyes as the silence stretched out between them. Erin swallowed uncomfortably. Did he want her to apologize again? Make more promises?

He stood up abruptly and walked over the fridge. "I made you a sandwich when you texted and said you were on your way."

"I'm not really hungry." Erin stated as he pulled some plastic wrap off a plate. Not even acknowledging that she spoke, he set the plate on the table and slid it over to her. He looked at her expectantly. "But, I guess I could eat." Hank resumed his place in the seat across from her. He leaned back in his chair and stared expectantly at her.

"What's the plan?" he questioned her in his gravelly voice as she took a bite of the sandwich.

Erin was actually thankful for the mouthful of food as it allowed her a few extra seconds to contemplate the question. Plan? She didn't have a plan. She was barely thinking a few minutes ahead at this point. Her plan didn't go much past unpacking her bags and finishing her sandwich.

Hank continues to eye her questioningly. Deciding to be honest, she spoke, "Unpack? Rest?"

"What about long term?" Hank wasn't going to let her escape the real question.

Taking a deep breath, Erin set her sandwich down. "Well, I'd like to get back to work as soon as possible. Monday, if that's all right?" Hank gave a slight nod. "Hopefully after a few weeks, you will trust me enough to let me move back to my own place, and then…I guess, nothing. Just live life."

He leaned forwards and steepled his hands on the table. "You think that you will be fine? Just being back at work? All this guilt and destruction will just disappear?" This wasn't Voight's first go-round with Erin. He'd seen her as a teenager, drifting through life, scrambling to survive. When she had first come to live with them, she had pretended things were fine, that her mom wasn't a junkie and her dad in jail. She tried to close her mind to the things she had seen and done. She pretended that it didn't bother her, that she could just walk away from her past. Hank knew Erin though. She pushed her pain away, deflected her anger, and threw herself into her work. She never really dealt with her struggles and her issues. Instead they would resurface. Certain victims, certain cases, and certain offenders would bring all her pain to the surface, and it would leave her raw, open, and hurting. Over time she would get a handle, push it back down again, but it never really disappeared. He was just unsure if it had consumed too much of her this time.

Erin shrugged. "Hope so." Her voice was quiet and even though she didn't want it to be, she knew her words didn't portray confidence. She hoped she could bounce back. She wanted things to get back to normal, desperately. She just wasn't sure if she could get there. All she knew was that seeing Jay in that video, knowing her partner was about to be executed, and realizing that she needed to be the one to save him, changed her. It motivated her to want to get her act together. She had a job she needed to do, and a squad that depended on her. She just had to convince that squad that she was ready to come back and that they should trust her.

Hank's face was unreadable. "Think maybe you should talk to someone?"

"A shrink?" Erin couldn't hide the disgust from creeping into her voice. While she knew psychologist helped some people, she had no interest.

"I hear there is a guy over at Chicago Med that is pretty good. Maybe your partner's brother could hook you up." Erin would erupt if she knew that he had actually reached out to Will this morning when he had bumped into him at the hospital when he was looking for Jay. He had wanted to find out who at the hospital might be good for something like what Erin needed. She guarded her privacy maybe even more than Hank did. Involving Halstead's brother, Hank shook his head, it would be ugly. He hoped Dr. Halstead could keep his mouth shut. Both from Erin and from Jay.

Erin tilted her head questioningly, "Is this another condition of my reinstatement?"

Hank pursed his lips. "No, just some friendly advice. Don't want you diving back under the first time things get rough again."

Erin nodded. "I'll keep it in mind." Although Erin had no intention of talking with any shrink. The last thing she needed was some shrink trying to dig deep into her psyche. Asking her questions about why she thought her mom didn't love her or why her daddy didn't buy her a puppy when she was kid. She'd be fine….eventually.

Hank pushed himself up from the table and strolled over to the stove top. Erin watched silently as Hank fussed a bit with the chili. He added a few shakes of some spices and then replaced the lid on the pot and adjusted the heat. "Needs a few more hours." He walked over and grabbed his coffee cup and refilled it again for probably the fifth time today. "You can run some over this evening to Halstead. Make sure he's eating enough to get healing."

Hank's concern for Jay was unnerving. Unable to keep the words in she burst out, "Okay, what is going on? This morning you were jumping down my throat for having taken care of Jay last night, and this afternoon you are making us dinner and practically ordering me back over there. What the deal?"

Hank sat back down in the chair that he had just recently vacated. "Halstead brought up an interesting question earlier. He asked if I was your boss or your father. So as your boss, I am requesting you go and look out after your partner. Make sure this situation isn't hanging over his head. Make sure he is getting enough rest. I want him back at work by the end of the week. If you are going to be back next week, I don't want you working too long without him. You two work well together. "

Erin nodded her agreement at Hank's words. Her confusion wasn't really alleviated though. Despite a few differences of opinion on how to handle a few cases, she knew that Voight respected Halstead as a detective. Otherwise, he'd never have him in his unit, let alone partnered with Erin. Yet that had never stopped Hank from giving them disapproving looks and making veiled comments whenever he thought their partnership was growing too close. Including the incident this morning.

She narrowed her eyes at Hank, she wanted more information, "And as my father?"

Hank bounced his leg up and down, almost as if _he_ was nervous and debating what to say. "I just want you to get healthy. Get your head in the right place." He shrugged his shoulders and glanced away. "I don't know. Maybe looking after Halstead will help keep your mind on track. Focus on the one you saved, not the one you didn't."

Erin swallowed as a wave of pain washed over her. Focus on the one she saved instead of the one she didn't? She knew that Hank was trying to help, but she was never not thinking about Nadia. Those were images that could never be erased from her mind. Now they were joined by images of Jay. Jay tied up. Jay being beaten. Jay being held at gun point. She took a steadying breath. She tried to clear her mind, and the image of Jay smirking at her amusingly as Will kicked her out flashed through her mind. _. Focus on the one you saved._ She could try and do that.

For the second night in a row, Erin knocked nervously on Jay's door. Last night, she was worried that she would find him unconscious after his early release from the hospital. She had even half expected him to shut the door in her face. This time though, her nerves had different roots. Would their natural camaraderie be there? Was it going to be bullshitting and teasing each other while they watched the game, or would it be awkward with the silence of conversations they weren't ready to have? Some conversations she never wanted to have. Images of drugs, clubs, and other men flashed through her mind. Was Jay the kind of guy who wanted to talk things over? He didn't last night, but maybe with a day to think about it, he might want some more answers.

The door swung open. This time it was the familiar blue eyes, of Jay's brother that met her gaze. "Erin, we've been expecting you." He swung the door open to reveal Jay propped up on the couch.

Jay's voice rang out stronger and clearer that it had sounded earlier this morning, "Thank god you are here. This guy had been driving me crazy. He won't let me do anything." Will closed the door behind Erin and followed her into the living room.

"That's because you should not be doing anything." Will confirmed. "You should be in the hospital for another day at least." He looked to Erin for support. Maybe she could convince his stubborn brother that the best place for Jay was under the supervision of medical staff.

Erin shook her head at the doctor, "Sorry, Will. Can't stand hospitals myself. I'd rather be holed up in my apartment, too, then be poked and prodded at all day by annoying nurses and know-it-all doctors."

Will threw up his arms. "You two are unbelievable. You do know that I went to medical school for all this, right? I do know what I am talking about. There are risks involved, and the odds of him receiving the care he needs if a complication arises is higher if he is at the hospital."

Jay rolled his eyes at Erin, "I've heard this speech at least a dozen times today." Erin tried to hide a smile at Will's frustration. She walked into the kitchen and set down the grocery bags she carried. She had Hank's chili, and she had also picked up some soft fresh bread from the store down the corner, as well as some ice cream. Jay eyed the bag from his place on the couch. "You got any beer in there? The nazi-doctor dumped my last one out as soon as I opened it."

"Because you are on pain meds!" Will interjected.

Erin shook her head no, as she walked back into the living room. She sat down on the opposite end of the couch from where Jay was camped out and surveyed his appearance. He didn't really look any better than he had this morning. In fact, she could have sworn some of the bruising seemed to have spread or at least deepened in color. But the look behind his eyes was different. He seemed upbeat. Irritated at Will, but in a good mood. She didn't think Voight had anything to worry about with this case having any long term effect on Jay. While she didn't know all the specifics, she knew he had gone through way worse when he was in the Rangers.

Will sighed dramatically, then made eye contact with Erin. "I need to go to work. I'm on shift tonight. Are you going to be here?"

Erin swallowed nervously. What did Will mean? Was she going to be here all night? She was sure last night was a one-time thing. Hank was not going to be okay with another sleep over. Not that Jay even necessarily wanted her to stay. Erin glanced uneasily at Jay unsure of how to answer.

Jay groaned again at his brother, "I am not an invalid. I do not need a babysitter. She's just here for dinner, and then we will probably watch the game." Will looked dubiously at Jay and Erin. Jay couldn't keep the exasperation from his voice. He threw up his arms, "I'll let her tuck me into bed before she leaves."

Will ignored Jay and spoke directly to Erin. "Do not let him lift anything or do anything strenuous. Keep him off his feet as much as possible." His face grew serious. "No matter what he says, if you think something is wrong. Call me. He will tell you not to, but call me anyways." He threw a look at Jay. "We already almost lost this dumbass this week. I don't want to take any chances."

A small smile played on Jay's lips as Will headed towards to door. He rolled his head so he could watch him go, and he called out, "I love you, bro." Will just grunted in return as he closed the door behind him. Jay rolled his head back to Erin. "Thank you again for saving me. I could not have handled another hour with Nurse Halstead."

Erin raised her eyebrows. "Do you think Nurse Lindsay is going to be a push over?"

Jay licked his lips and his eyes widened in surprise as the image of Erin in a sexy Nurses outfit sparked into his mind. He opened his mouth to speak, and then closed it again.

Erin laughed, "Get your head out of the gutter, perv." She playfully punched him in the shoulder.

He winced even though her touch had been gentle. He rubbed his arm tenderly. "Bad nurse," he muttered under his breath.

Erin pushed herself off the couch, "Let's feed you." She strolled into the kitchen and pulled the ice cream out of the bag and placed it into the freezer. She then set about getting bowls and plates out. She sliced up a few pieces of bread and placed them on a plate, then started spooning chili into the bowls.

"Smells good," Jay commented as he leaned against the entrance to the kitchen.

Erin sent him a dirty look, "You are not supposed to walking around. Get back to the couch." Jay sighed rather dramatically, but turned around and shuffled back to the couch. Erin followed and set up one of his wooden TV trays that he used on game nights in front of him. She grabbed another pillow and propped it up behind him so that he could sit up to eat more easily. Then she carefully carried the food over. She included a glass of juice as well.

"Sorry for not having beer. Don't think Will would have approved my babysitting services if I would have brought beer." Erin returned to the kitchen for her bowl and settled her stuff on the coffee table. Jay was busy flipping through the TV guide. He finally settled on the Bears game. Erin nodded her approval, and they settled into a comfortable silence, eating and watching the game. The silence was only broken occasionally by one or both of them making a comment about a play or a call by the ref.

After about twenty minutes, Jay pushed his bowl away and leaned back against the pillows resting his head. "Okay, that was really good." He glanced over at Erin. "Are you sure Voight made it? Cause I kind of am more likely to believe he'd poison me than feed me."

Erin chuckled, "Pshaw, poison is too high brow. He'd prefer to break your knee caps with a baseball bat, if he wanted to kill you." She laughed again as she saw Jay's face pale slightly. She set her own bowl down on the table, "I think he feels bad about what happened."

"Barging into my home this morning?" Jay questioned.

"No, _that_ he doesn't regret." Erin's eyes grew serious. "He feels bad about the Keyes incident. You know that." She reached across the space between them and gently grabbed his chin. She angled it towards her so she could examine the bruises on his eye and the stiches on his cheek and forehead. She pursed her lips in anger.

Jay ducked his head out of her hold, "I'm fine," he stated. He was tired of telling people he was fine. All day long. He'd been explaining to Will, that we was fine. Plus everybody in the unit had been calling and texting him throughout the afternoon. He wanted—no needed, Erin to understand he was fine. He needed a few days for his ribs to heal, and then he'd be back on the job. Ready to work. In fact, he was really looking forward to it. Especially now that Erin was back. When he returned next week, things would finally feel normal again.

Erin let the moment pass, and decided to try and get out of Jay what Voight had been unwilling to share earlier. "So….what did you and Voight talk about this morning? You seemed awfully chummy when he left."

Jay narrowed his eyes, "What did Voight say we talked about?" He couldn't imagine Voight sitting Erin down and telling Erin that Jay intended to be by her side whether Voight gave his permission or not. He had no idea what the future held, but he had decided that he wasn't going to let Voight dictate his future. If he and Erin wanted to start something up in the future, then they'd do it. With or without Voight's permission.

Erin shrugged and pretended sudden interest in the Bears game. "Something about being my boss or my dad," she muttered.

Jay looked at her sharply, that was more than he thought Voight would share with Erin. "And…"

Erin shot him a look, "And then he made you chili! So what gives?"

Jay shrugged. "I think he just is happy you're coming back to work. He thinks I'm the reason you came back." Jay swallowed a nervously. He thought that, too. But he didn't really know what that meant. Erin had come back for him. To rescue him, but he figured she would have done that for anyone on the squad. That's just Erin. That she decided to stay… well, he didn't know. Maybe it was because of him, maybe she had just had enough self-pity.

Erin eyed Jay suspiciously. Based on both Jay and Hank's reactions, she suspected there had more to the conversation than that, but clearly neither was in the mood to share.

She stood and gathered up all the dishes. It took about ten minutes to clean up the kitchen, wash the dishes, and put away the leftover food. She grabbed two spoons and the ice cream and brought it over to the couch.

Jay's eyes lit up as he eyed the carton, "Please tell me that is Rocky Road."

Erin sent him a knowing look, "Of course!"

Erin sat down on the couch next to Jay awkwardly realizing she had fallen into an old habit. In the past, they had always just cuddled up on the couch with two spoons and the carton between them. Now Erin realized, that she probably should have found some bowls to dish the dessert into. Jay looked at her, noting her uncomfortable posture. Jay reached across the couch and pulled her over to him. "Gimmie a spoon," he demanded. "You are going to have to hold the carton, I don't think I can manage it with my ribs."

Erin gave him a small smile. Jay could always eliminate any tension between. A quick joke, an easy smile, or just the right comment, and she could relax with him. She settled comfortably in next to him, their hips pressed together, alternating spoonfuls of ice cream. Erin couldn't help but reflect on the past month. Why hadn't she let him in? When she was struggling and grieving, she knew that Jay's comfort would have helped her. All she would have had to do was give him the slightest sign, and he would have dropped everything to support her. She hadn't let him though. She'd put up her walls and shut him out. Why did she do that? Why couldn't she let people in?

She risked a quick glance at Jay's face. His face was frowning in frustration at a defensive play on the screen. Catching her look, his face immediately changed to one of concern. "What? What's wrong?"

Giving him a smile, she shook her head. "Nothing." She focused her eyes back on the screen, "Nothing's wrong." For the first time, in a long time, she actually meant it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: Sorry it took me a while to get this chapter out. Actually already had the next chapter done before I went back and added this one. Felt I needed some in between moments. Thank you for all who have taken the time to review, favorite, and set alerts. They make the time I spend writing worth it, knowing people are enjoying and appreciating my amateurish attempts at writing. Hope you enjoy the next chapter in I'm Not Alone.**

Jay stared blindly at the flickering TV screen. While he continued to pretend to watch the movie, his mind was fully preoccupied with weight of Erin's head lightly resting against his thigh. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched the rise and fall of her chest. He was fairly certain that she was asleep. Her breathing had leveled off about 10 minutes ago, and her head had sunk a little more firmly against his body. All he would need to do to confirm that she was asleep was to learn forward a few inches and check her eyes, but if she wasn't asleep, she'd blast him for staring at her, or worse, she'd move and sit up, breaking their contact. Jay _did_ _not_ want that contact broken.

Erin had started the movie on the opposite side of the couch. Then she had tucked her feet under his leg, like she always did. A bit later, under the pretense of sharing some popcorn, she had scooted closer. Eventually, her head had rested on his shoulder, with her legs stretched out beside her. As the minutes had ticked by, she had slowly slid down, until her head had lay pillowed against his thigh.

While their positions would lead one to believe a certain level of comfort and intimacy, Jay was anything but comfortable. He held his back stiffly, willing himself not to move and wake her. His arm lay awkwardly behind Erin's back. Touching but not holding her. He tried to keep his breathing even as not to awaken her. He just wanted another few minutes to enjoy the moment. To enjoy having Erin here, close to him, touching him. It might make him seem desperate, but he had missed this closeness with Erin. Not just in the three weeks she had been on "furlough," but for the months since they had broken up. Sure he had missed the sex, the long nights in bed, the early mornings, but these quiet moments, he'd missed them the most.

Suddenly, Erin let out a soft snore. Jay bit back a laugh. That had always been one of his favorite things to tease Erin about. She would deny it until she was blue in the face that she DID NOT snore. Jay thought her light snoring was adorable, but couldn't help to give her a hard time about it. She'd get so irritated at him and act all huffy whenever he brought it up. At least this time, her snoring actually served a purpose. It let him know she was truly asleep. He carefully let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding, and allowed his body to relax. As soon as he relaxed his posture, Erin rolled slightly onto her back, her head resting more in his lap, her cheek brushing against his stomach. Jay smiled down at her. This was the view he wanted.

Her long lashes brushed against her cheeks. Her complexion was still pale, but a bit of healthy color had started to creep in. Their late night take out feasts seem to have also contributed to filling out her cheeks a bit. The gaunt look that had haunted her features in recent months had eased. Jay studied her closed eyes. While he would have loved nothing more than to stare into her mesmerizing eyes, he was content to watch her sleep for now. Almost involuntarily, his eyes drifted down towards her lips. Quickly, he forced his eyes back up to the TV.

Despite trying to keep his mind from going there, he couldn't quite help it. It was Erin. The woman he had thought he was falling in love with all those months ago. Erin, his partner, his best friend. How could he not daydream about kissing her? As the week had progressed, his thoughts had continued to become more muddled. She was back, and that was good. What did that mean for them? Were they set to resume their partnership? Did Erin hope to reignite their relationship? He didn't know the answers to those questions, yet.

Jay thought back to Monday night. He had been going a bit stir-crazy as the day had progressed. After working the night shift, Will had crashed out on his couch. With nothing left to do, Jay had dozed on and off throughout the afternoon and evening. Will had woken him around 6 to let him know that he was going in to work. Then, having rested all day, Jay was restless and bored…and hungry.

As if reading his mind, his phone had buzzed with a text from Lindsay. _Hungry?_

 _Starving._ Jay had quickly replied a quick smile flashing on his face.

 _Then open the damn door and help me!_

Jay sprang from his seat and headed towards the door, holding his cracked ribs as he walked. A wide grin on his face as he swung the door open. Erin stood on the other side of the door, her arms laden with bags from Mr. Chang's, the local Chinese restaurant that was only a block away from Jay's apartment. They'd ordered there on a practically a weekly basis when they had been dating.

"It's like you read my mind," Jay proclaimed as he relieved Erin of several of her bags and moved to the side to allow her into the apartment. "Please tell me you got egg rolls."

Erin sent him a knowing look, "A double order, duh!" She walked into Jay's living room and dumped the rest of the bags onto the coffee table. Jay followed and deposited his bags next to hers. It took but a few minutes for boxes to be opened, food split, and egg rolls divvied out. Soon, they were engrossed in a ball game on TV while they dug into their meal.

It had been Erin's first day back at work, and she kind of bitched a bit about being stuck at a desk all day. Hank had made her read through every single case file from the last month to make sure she was up to date on all their cases. It had been a little difficult to read through the Keyes file. Staring into the eyes of the man she had killed just two days earlier. She knew it had been either Keyes or her and Jay. Killing a man was never easy, but Erin could compartmentalize those feelings when needed. On top of it all, she'd been feeling the effects of sobriety as well. A headache had plagued her since she woke up. It wasn't overpowering, but it had persisted. It was a silent reminder of how far she had let herself go and what she needed to push past in order to get her life back.

Jay had listened to her ramble about her day. He was surprised to hear her share so much. Erin was usually a bit more reserved. He usually had to prod her a bit to get to her to open up. He could tell she was nervous though. He laughed inside. Guess he'd have to remember to make her nervous next time he wanted her to share more about her life. If he could really ever get her off balance, she might actually reveal some of the truths of her past instead of him finding out little pieces of her life as they've come back to haunt her.

Then, as suddenly as she had arrived, she grabbed her keys and stood up. Her eyes had darted around the room looking for an escape as if she had realized she had shared too much. She muttered something about curfew, made a few comments about how much better Jay was looking, and then she was gone. If not for the remnants of their dinner littering his coffee table, he wouldn't even believe she'd been there. He had smiled a bit as he had cleaned up the mess they'd made. He shuffled around kitchen tossing empty containers and stashing the leftovers in the fridge. Leave it to Erin to bail on clean up.

Tuesday afternoon had been a lot like Monday. Will had slept at his own place after checking in on him, and left Jay to stew on his living room couch alone. There was only so much daytime television a guy could watch before going crazy. Finally desperate, he had texted Erin. Initially, he had just used the pretense of thanking her for dinner the night before and to ask how her second day back at work was going. Only seconds after he had sent the text though, his phone had rang.

"I'm basically Mouse's freaking assistant today," Erin's irritated voice shot out.

Jay reclined back on the couch enjoying the sound of her voice. "Why? What's going on?"

He could hear Erin's eye roll over the phone. "Voight still has me on desk duty and the guys are all out on a case. I'm stuck here running backgrounds and digging through surveillance tapes looking for some guy."

Jay could empathize with Erin. Although he'd be satisfied with sitting desk duty over couch duty right about now. "What's the case?" he questioned, hoping to live vicariously through his partner.

"Some white collar drug dealer's pregnant wife found out he also had a pregnant girlfriend and hooked us onto some big deal he has going on this week. She gave us a description of one of his associates, but we've been unable to get a name. I'm just searching the guy's friends and colleagues hoping to get a hit." She sighed dramatically. "I think Mouse is actually just giving me busy work to keep me out of his hair."

Jay chuckled, "He doesn't like people hovering. He needs his space."

"Yeah, I got that. I just feel so antsy. I came back to work, not to sit at a desk. I know I could be helping more in the field. I just want to know how much longer Voight is going to punish me."

Silence stretched out for a minute as they both thought about Voight.

"Hey, I forgot to ask. How you are doing today?" The tone in her voice changed and the concern in her voice was evident. "Did Will stop by?"

Jay let out a breath. "I'm fine. Bored out of my mind, but fine. Will was here a few hours ago. Says everything is healing. He says I should be back on my feet by next week."

"Is he coming back tonight?" Erin questioned lightly. Jay immediately wondered if her question was innocent, or if his answer might lead to another dinner visit.

"No. He works early tomorrow morning, so he was going to crash out early at his place tonight." Jay continued softly. "I'm on my own tonight."

Again there was silence as they shared a thought, but neither wanting to be the first to say it.

Suddenly Erin broke the silence, "Hey, Mouse has something. I'll talk to you later." Then she was gone. Jay had studied his phone for a minute after she had hung up. Almost as if he was willing her to call him back. Then, as if he had made it happen, he felt the buzz of his phone in his hand.

 _Indian or Thai?_

Jay looked again at sleeping Erin. The week had been tough on her. It might have been a difficult week even if it hadn't been her first week back. Tuesday night they had enjoyed Thai food while playing…Scrabble. Jay had literally laughed out loud when she had arrived bearing both food and the game. They'd played two rounds, after which Erin had proclaimed that he sucked at Scrabble. Jay had been quick to reply that there were different versions of Scrabble, and he was really good at the other type. Erin had let out a snort at his comment, but basically ignored him as she had packed up to leave. She had left promising Indian food on Wednesday night.

Wednesday night had come and gone though, and Erin hadn't come. Jay had got word through the other guys in the squad that they were staking out some associate of the drug dealer that Erin had been running background on the day before. He had known she was working, and he knew that she was probably thrilled to back in the field, but he still missed her. It didn't feel right without her there. He'd gotten used to her showing up on his doorstep each evening. Will had ended up stopping by and made some sandwiches for the two of them. While Jay had appreciated the company, it wasn't the same. It had been a restless night.

Thursday had been quiet, too. He'd exchanged a few texts with Erin and the rest of the squad, and knew they were neck high in the case. He doubted he'd actually even hear from her. By nine o'clock he had given up, and he had ordered a pizza. Thirty minutes later, he'd heard the knocking on his door. He'd approached the door with his wallet, ready to pay the pizza guy, but had been surprised to find a shattered Erin on the other side of the door.

She had shrugged slightly, "Sorry, I don't have dinner. I just…." Her voice trembled, and Jay took in her red-rimmed eyes and noticed her shaking limbs. Not allowing her to even finish her sentence, he had stepped into the doorway and gathered her into his arms. She melted into his embrace and let his warmth bleed into her. After her shaking had subsided, he had led her into the apartment and settled her onto his couch. Before he even had time to ask her what had happened, there was another knock on the door. He paid for the pizza and dropped it off in the kitchen before returning to the living room. Erin had her knees tucked under her chin and her arms wrapped around her legs. Her eyes stared blankly ahead of her.

"You want to talk?" He softly put out there. He knew she had come to his place for a reason. She wanted support. As devastating as it was to see her looking so broken, he felt good about the fact that she had shown up on his door step. He couldn't help but think how things might have been different if she'd shown up here accepting his support after Nadia had died.

Erin gave him just the slightest nod. "It was the wife. She had gone MIA after meeting with us yesterday evening to confirm that we had the right associate of her husband. We had tried to get her to stay at the precinct, but she was insistent about going back to their place. She had a bunch of stuff she'd recently bought for the baby-" Erin's voice broke over the word baby. She swallowed and wiped a few tears that had made their way down her cheek.

"I don't even know why I am that upset. She was not a nice person. She only turned in her husband because she found out he was cheating. She was spoiled. She knew her wealth was from drugs and other illegal enterprises. I think she planned on going back and grabbing as much money and jewelry as she could before disappearing on us." Erin's voice shook slightly, both from anger and sadness.

"But what kind of monster kills his pregnant wife. His baby?" Not wanting to look at Jay's understanding and knowing eyes, Erin dropped her head into her knees. She felt the shift of the couch as Jay moved closer to her. She felt his slight touch on her back, and she willed herself not to break down again in front of him. Gently he stroked her back, the repeating action of his fingers both soothing and pushing her towards her breaking point. His kindness, such a contrast to the actions of another man, finally broke her. She turned into him, wrapping her arms around him, and she allowed the tears to fall as silent sobs shook her body. Jay embraced her firmly and pulled her tight against his chest, whispering soft words to her.

Eventually, her tears had eased. Pizza had been served, and they had spent hours talking about the case, Voight, her mother, the Keyes case, and even briefly Nadia. It had been an emotional night. Both had felt raw at the end. Jay had tried to get her to stay the night, claiming she was too upset to drive safely, but Erin had been firm. Curfew.

Tonight had been different though. Instead of talking around the issue of whether or not they'd hang out, Erin had just texted him early in the afternoon, letting him know that she'd be over early. She just had to finish some paperwork, and then she'd be at his place. He had tried to pick up around the apartment a little. This time he had been nervous about her arrival. Yesterday had been difficult. Erin opening up to him was unusual. He'd half expected her to ignore his calls for a few days. He'd been more than surprised to hear from her so early.

When she'd arrived around 5:30, she hadn't brought dinner. They had argued over take out menus, before just deciding to just pick through the leftovers from the week. Their conversation and actions felt too familiar Jay. If felt like they were together again, spending just another night in. Not like just a week ago Erin had spending her evening in clubs and bars drinking away her memories. As much as it thrilled him to have her here, it also confused him.

After dinner Erin had searched his kitchen for dessert. She had squealed with delight when she had discovered some microwave popcorn in his pantry. That had led to a Netflix movie, in which Erin had only made about 40 minutes in before she had slipped into sleep.

Jay sat staring at Erin's face much more intently than he had watched the movie. As he reflected on the last week, he couldn't help but think that getting abducted and tortured, might end up leading to one of the best times of his life. It brought him Erin. She was back, as his partner, in his life, in his heart. Not that she'd ever really left his heart. He just didn't know if he was going to be able to hide his feelings from her as well this time. She needed him as her partner and as his friend, but she probably didn't need him messing with her heart right now. As much as he didn't want to admit it, Voight was right about that. Erin needed to focus on getting healthy. He sighed sadly, he'd waited long enough, he could wait until she was ready.

His sigh must have been louder than he thought because her eyes fluttered open. Confusion clouded them as she tried to figure out where she was. She blinked a few times and then rolled up to a sitting position. She forced out a yawn and looked at the TV screen. "How much did I miss?" Her gravelly voice questioned.

Jay gave her a slight smile, "All of it?"

Erin crinkled her eyes, "No, I distinctly remember there was a disease, then zombies, then a different strain of the disease that was killing the zombies." She shrugged, "After that it is a bit of a blur." She fought another yawn. Jay's heart dropped a bit as she fumbled on the ground to slip on her shoes. She was leaving.

Jay smiled lightly, trying not to reveal his thoughts. "It wasn't that good. You didn't miss anything." He pushed himself off the couch. He grabbed the empty popcorn bowl off the coffee table and walked it into the kitchen. He expected her to be at the door when he returned. Instead, as he turned around, he was startled to see that she was standing behind him.

"I missed out on you." She gave him a sleepy smile. "I wanted to talk tonight. You listened to me blubber on all last night. I thought I could be here for you tonight."

Jay's heart clenched a bit. Erin wasn't ready to hear what he wanted to talk about. Even though he didn't really want her to leave, he guided her towards the door. "We talk every day. You are always there for me. We don't need a special day." He gave her shoulder a little punch, very partner-like, "I'll be back in the squad room on Monday. Then you will back to begging for me to shut up." He tried to keep it light, so Erin wouldn't see how he was feeling. He opened the door and leaned against the frame. He pasted a smile on his face, hoping Erin wouldn't notice it was forced.

Erin though sensed something was off. She reached up and gently cupped his cheek, "Are you feeling okay? Is something wrong?" Concern flooded her voice and sleep disappeared from her eyes as she sharply examined his features.

He tried to shrug off her hand, but she held firm, "I'm fine. Just tired, I think." She didn't seem convinced, and she brought her other hand up to feel his forehead checking for fever. Then she skimmed her hands over his arms and chest as if checking for some sort of new injury. Her light touch set him on fire after where his thoughts had been drifting this evening. "Erin, stop!" he said a little sharply. He grabbed her hands and pulled them down to her sides, his fingers sliding up her arms involuntarily before resting on her shoulders. Erin's expressive eyes locked on his. They both breathed in unison as the tension between them rose. Jay saw Erin's eyes flicker to his lips then back to his eyes. He could feel her body sway slightly towards his. Jay fought his instincts for a second before stepping back and dropping his hands. He gave her a tight smile. "You'd better go. Curfew."

Erin gave him a confused look, before stepping out into the hall. "Call me if anything is wrong, okay?"

Jay nodded. "Yeah, of course. I'm going straight to bed though. It's been a long week." Despite not wanting her to leave minutes earlier, now he couldn't wait to get her out the door. Her closeness was driving him crazy, and he could feel his body's involuntary pull to her. If he didn't shut the door in the next ten seconds, he'd be pressing her up against the door frame with his lips.

Erin gave him a weak smile, "Okay. I'll call you tomorrow."

Jay nodded again, "Uh, huh." He slowly closed the door on her, "Tomorrow." The door clicked behind him. He turned the lock immediately as if that extra barrier would prevent him from breaking it down. He was in trouble.


	5. Chapter 5

Hank dropped his keys into the bowl near the door and followed the unfamiliar sounds he heard being emitted from his kitchen. As he approached the entrance to the kitchen he paused. Erin had turned on the radio and was humming along to some music as she bustled around the kitchen. She was adding some shredded cheese to the top of a lasagna dish and swayed her hips to the music. Then she popped open the oven door and slid the dish in. Continuing to hum to herself, she closed the door and spun around in a little circle. If Hank didn't know her better, he'd of sworn she was dancing. As she spun, she was startled as she locked eyes with Hank.

"Hi!" She exclaimed a blush creeping up onto her cheeks.

"Hello, Erin." He tried unsuccessfully to keep the amusement out of his voice. "So, is this why you raced out of work tonight?"

Erin spun back around to avoid Hank's eyes. She busied herself with putting away some of her unused ingredients. "Well, lasagna takes a while to cook. I wanted to get it into the oven as early as possible."

Hank had figured something was up when Erin practically sprinted out of precinct earlier that evening. He'd assumed she was heading straight over to Halstead's as she had every night this week, so he was quite surprised to see her car parked out front.

"You made me lasagna?" Hank teased, knowing full well that Erin's attempt to cook had nothing to do with him.

She spun around, an apologetic look on her face. "Uh, no," she made a face. "I'm sorry, Hank. I had planned on taking it over to Jay's." She looked down nervously. "We were just going to celebrate him coming back to work tomorrow."

Hank nodded, "You make sure he knows that it means desk duty. He will not be leaving the precinct under any circumstance." Hank had only reluctantly allowed Halstead to return to work tomorrow. He'd rather have waited to see Jay come back at 100%, not light duty, but he wanted to break up this routine that Erin and Jay had found themselves in. He didn't quite know what exactly was going on over at Halstead's apartment, and he didn't want to know, but he didn't like it. Erin had been racing out of work every evening, and not returning until late. While he knew he had encouraged her to help Halstead out in his recovery, he didn't expect her to practically move in and start acting like Suzy Homemaker.

Erin set the timer on the oven, and strolled over to table and slid into her chair. She eyed the oven nervously. She really wanted this dinner to turn out well. She had hinted at a special homemade dinner for Jay tonight. He had doubted her culinary skills, and Erin had promised that she knew how to cook. It was exaggeration, but she didn't want Jay to know that. She actually knew how to heat up things in the microwave and how to order take out, but she wanted to impress Jay. She shook her head at her own ridiculousness. Why she felt the need to try and impress her partner of almost two years was beyond her. Jay knew full well she couldn't cook.

Hank slid into the seat across from her. "What's going on here?"

Erin shrugged, "Just making dinner." She looked at hank cautiously. "He's been eating take out almost all week besides the leftover chili from last weekend." She glanced around at the mess in the kitchen. "I'll clean this all up before I leave. Don't worry."

Hank's face grew serious. "What's going on with you two?"

"Nothing." Erin quickly replied. "Just hanging out." She dropped her gaze, unable to meet Hank's eyes. Truth was, nothing was going on. Each evening she'd shown up at Jay's with dinner for the two of them. Then they'd chill on the couch and watch a game or a movie. Sometimes they'd talk, sometimes they wouldn't. Each day though, she could feel the pull towards him getting stronger and stronger. A lingering glance, his hand resting on her knee during the movie, or his hand playing with her hair. While nothing romantic had happened yet, the intimacy was there. In fact, the other night as she headed out, she had given him a quick hug good bye at the door. As he had pulled back, his eyes had lingered on her lips and she had felt her body sway towards his just slightly before he had broken the embrace and wished her a safe drive. As she had walked away, her heart had fluttered and her breathing had increased. She wanted nothing more than to hear him call her name and reach for her, but he didn't. Instead she heard the gentle click of his door closing. Erin was thinking he might not be ready for them to start up again. Maybe he didn't think she had her head on straight yet. She was hoping that this dinner might be a way for her to show that she was in a good place and had it together.

Hank's eyes bore into her as if he could see exactly what thoughts were playing through her mind. She felt guilty just thinking them.

"Erin," he began, "Do you really think this is such a good idea?" Hank's face was solemn.

Erin laughed, "Me making dinner? No probably not." She smiled at Hank, but felt the smile fall from her face at the serious look on his face.

Hank shook his head. "No, I mean you and Halstead. Don't you think you are kind of rushing this?"

Erin was immediately defensive. "It's just dinner, Hank." She got up and started walking around the kitchen, grabbing a rag and starting to wipe down some of the mess. She had kind of thought Hank was okay with her and Jay. After all, he had made the chili! While that wasn't exactly a permission slip to date, she had taken it as acceptance that Hank was okay with her and Jay hanging out. And truthfully, that's all they were doing…at the moment.

His voice was stern from behind her, "Do you really believe that Jay thinks it is just dinner?" He waited until Erin turned around and met his gaze. Her eyes were narrowed in annoyance. "It's been awhile, but when a girl makes a guy a home-cooked dinner, that used to mean something more than friends."

Erin rolled her eyes, "You're right. It has been awhile." She grabbed a bunch of dirty bowls and dropped them into the sink. "Sometimes, dinner is just dinner."

Hank let out a grunt. "Maybe you are the one who doesn't know what is going on." He tapped his fingers on the table. He wanted to make a point, but he knew in doing so, he was going to piss Erin off to no end. He still thought if there was any hope of not having his squad room turn into a soap opera, he had to nip this in the bud now. "Are you prepared for what this dinner means?"

Erin let out a laugh. "Seriously, Hank. It is _just_ a dinner. It means nothing." She walked past the table, intending to grab some trash off the table, but Hank grabbed her arm and stopped her movement.

"Sit." He said it softly, but Erin knew it was a command. She sank into the chair opposite him and eyed him nervously.

"Erin, it's not just dinner. That kid is half in love with you, and you know it." Erin dropped her eyes from his gaze. "You've been at his house playing wife all week, and if you keep doing that, he's going to be on bended knee with a ring in his hand in no time. Is that what you want?" Erin's heart picked up its pace. An image of Jay's smiling face popped up in her head. The image transformed to a picture of Jay down on one knee with a ring in his hand. She left out a steadying breath even as she could feel a blush staining her cheeks.

She tried to shake the image off as she met Hank's gaze, "It's just dinner. You have us off and married, and we are not even dating. We are just hanging out. Eating dinner, watching the game, and stuff." Erin tried to reassure Hank, even though what she was saying was true, it wasn't exactly what she wanted for her and Jay. Truth was, she wanted more. She envisioned more when she thought of their future together.

"Hmm….hanging out." Hank shook his head thoughtfully. "Is that what you kids are calling it now days? You two having been _hanging_ _out_ off and on for over a year, and I've seen the writing on the wall. I just don't know that you clearly understand what you are getting yourself into. Jay isn't like you and I. He comes from different stock than us. When he looks at you, he sees a house in the suburbs, two kids, Little League, a minivan, and you on the PTA. Can you see that Erin?"

Erin set her jaw. "I don't know. Maybe." She wished her voice was more convincing, even to her own ears it sounded unsure.

Hank let out a disgusted laugh. "A week ago you were high and drunk in some club, and now you are telling me that you can see yourself settling down with Halstead and having a bunch of rugrats. You were ready to walk away from your job, from me, from him." He saw the look of doubt cross Erin's face, and he knew he was hitting a nerve. "Lie to yourself. Lie to me. I'll get over it. Lie to him, and you break him."

"I'm not trying to hurt him." Her voice was small. She didn't want to hurt Jay. She…loved him. She just wanted him to be happy, and she knew he was happy when they were together. "We are good together. You know that. You see that."

Hank waved his hand around the room. "I see you trying to be someone you're not. Making dinner, playing nursemaid. Is that really you, or is that you trying to be who Halstead wants you to be?"

Erin shook her head adamantly. "Jay is fine with who I am. He accepts me, my past. He knows about it all. He doesn't want to change me. Jay's a good guy."

Jay had always been there for her. Good times and bad times. Even when she had pushed him away, pushed hard, he had still reached in after her while she had gone deep in a hole of her own making. When she had finally come back into the light, he looked at her like… like… she was still worthy. Maybe deep down she knew what he saw when she looked at her. He talked about things like commitment and Wisconsin. She knew he hoped to have kids and a family one day. Erin liked to think that some of that might happen for her. Most days though, she was just treading water, trying to survive.

Hank reached across the table and grabbed Erin's hand. "I know Halstead is a good guy. Otherwise he'd be six feet under after all the crap you two have put me through." He squeezed her hand causing her to meet his eyes. "I think you are right. He will stick by your side. You fall down, he will pick you back up. You fall off the wagon, he will drive you to rehab. He'll hold your hair while you detox. You push him away, he'll wait for you."

Hank could see the storm brewing inside Erin, but pressed on. If she was going to go into this, she was going in with her eyes open, not with any delusions. "Erin, I love you, and I do want the best for you. He's a good choice for you. My only question is, are you a good choice for him? Is that the life you want for him?" With that Hank stood and walked away. Erin slumped in her chair her eyes focusing on the oven timer counting down on her happiness.

Jay must have practically been waiting at the door, as it was thrown open as soon as Erin knocked. He had a bright smile on his face. "Thank God you're here." He exclaimed. "I'm starving."

He grabbed the small white take out bag from Erin's hand and carried it over to the couch. His eyes had a hint of confusion over the bag. "I thought we weren't doing take out tonight?" He grinned at her, "What happened to a 'special' meal?"

"Sorry, I had to work." Erin's voice was cool, but Jay hadn't noticed. She lingered in the hallway, not coming all the way into the living room, even as Jay plopped himself down on to the couch.

"That's cool," Jay opened the bag and peeked inside. "There's only one burrito in here." He looked up at her quizzically.

"I already ate." Erin glanced at the TV, he had hit the pause button on whatever he had been watching. She analyzed the blurred image, trying to figure out what had been on the TV before she had knocked. Anything to distract herself from looking at Jay.

"Oookay," Erin could hear the uncertainty in Jay's voice. "Well, sit down. The game just started like 10 minutes ago. I paused it so we could watch it from the beginning. I even turned off the score alerts on my phone so I wouldn't be tempted to check the score." He smiled up at her again but the smile faltered, he was trying to figure out why she hadn't moved from the hallway and was just hovering at the entrance to his living room. "There's beer in the fridge. Will said I didn't need to take the pills anymore if I wasn't in pain, so I ran down to the liquor store and picked up a six pack."

"I guess you could have picked up your own dinner then couldn't you have?" Erin's voice was harsher than she had intended, but it was kind of like ripping off a band aid. She had come here to destroy any illusions Jay might have about her. She wanted it clear, that they, as a couple, did not have a future. The sooner she did that, the better it was for Jay in the long run. Seeing the instant hurt flash into Jay's eyes pained her heart though.

Jay set down the burrito that he had just started to unwrap. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Erin instantly retorted. "I just have plans for tonight, and if I had known you were up to getting your own dinner, than I wouldn't be late."

Jay turned his body to face her as he sat on the couch. He dropped his eyes for a second, then looked back up at her. Confusion and disbelief evident in his expression, "I thought I was your plans for tonight."

Erin crossed her arms defensively, "I'm not your girlfriend, Jay."

"I know," he quickly responded. "Is that what this is about?" Jay knew there had been a moment the other night. A moment just as Erin was about to leave where he almost kissed her, but he had hesitated. Is that the reason for the deep freeze? Jay pushed himself off the couch and in just a few strides he was in front of her. Erin sucked in a breath. It was easier to deal with him when he wasn't in her space. His understanding blue eyes looking at her with care and concern.

He gently grabbed her and rubbed his hands up and down her arms. "I know, Erin. I hesitated." The look on his face bordered on panic. Erin tried to take a step back, but Jay held tight. "It didn't mean that I didn't want to though. I'm here. I'm in." Before Erin could speak, Jay leaned in and brushed his lips against hers. His lips were warm and soft against hers, and for a moment Erin allowed the contact, knowing that it would be the last.

A sob caught in her throat, and she pulled her mouth away from his and ripped her arms from his grip. She saw the surprise on Jay's face. He reached out, but Erin took a step back. "I'm not in, Jay. This isn't what I want. "

She saw surprise on his face, his brow wrinkled in confusion, "Erin…"

"It's not. That's why I came here tonight. I realized you were getting the wrong idea, and I wanted you to understand that we are just partners. Nothing more." She could see disbelief in his eyes and he took another step towards her. She backed away.

He ran a hand through his hair, as he tried to make sense of what Erin was saying. She was acting so cold and distant. So unlike the way she had been all week. They'd had a great week reconnecting, supporting each other. He just didn't understand where this was coming from. She had called him this afternoon, promising a dinner he wouldn't forget. The teasing tone in her voice had filled him with anticipation. He had figured tonight would end with a kiss or something more, not whatever mess this was.

He tried to look her in the eye, but she kept her gaze averted, unwilling to make direct eye contact.

"You're lying." Jay shot out, unable to control the anger from creeping into his voice. He was tired of this game of hers. The push and pull. "Something happened, and you are just trying to push me away. Again." He slammed his hand against the wall and walked to the kitchen and grabbed one of the aforementioned beers. Slamming the fridge shut he yelled, "What the hell was this week about then?"

Erin pushed forward. Angry Jay she could deal with. Anything was better than the sad, hurt filled eyes. "It's not a lie. I care about you. You're my partner. I was just checking to make sure you were okay."

Jay took a swig of his drink. He shook his head, "It was more than that, and you know it."

Erin pursed her lips, "Jay, don't make this awkward."

He dropped his head back, and let his eyes drift to the ceiling, as if he was searching for answers from above. "Something has happened. I know you are lying. I just don't understand why." He met her eyes, his look imploring. "Tell me what is going on. I can help."

Erin faltered for just a second. She could see the disbelief and pain in his face. While she knew she had to convince him to move on, she also had to harden her heart against him. Every look he gave her pulled on her heartstrings and made her doubt her resolve. Jay deserved more. He deserved a future. A future without the chaos that she brought. She was born into a mess and her life would always be a mess. She didn't want him to wake up a year from now, five years from now, regretting the missed future he could have had.

As if he could sense her resolve weakening, he stepped forward into her space. He was close, she could feel the heat of his body, the heat in his gaze. "I'm here for you, Erin. Let me in."

His words reminded Erin of her earlier conversation with Hank. Jay would always be there for her. He'd push off his own happiness, his own goals for her. She didn't want that. She couldn't let that happen.

She went in for the kill. "I just don't feel that way about you anymore. We are just partners, Jay." His eyes blazed, and Erin steeled herself for what was to come. She really didn't know how Jay was going to react.

His face shuttered. He walked over to the table where his wallet and keys lay. He pulled a bill from his wallet, and he strode back over to where Erin stood frozen. He grabbed her hand from where it lay fisted against her side. He pulled it up and slapped the money into her hand. She involuntarily grasped the bill. She glanced down at it in confusion. He'd already walked away by the time she looked back up at him.

"What this for?" She questioned, following him as he walked back into the living room and dropped onto the couch. He didn't look at her, but instead grabbed the remote and hit play, unpausing the game. His eyes focused on the screen as he took another long swig from the beer. For a minute, she thought he was going to ignore her question.

He grabbed the forgotten burrito off the table. He took a large bite and chewed it, holding up the rest of the burrito to her. His eyes were cold as he stared at her, finishing his bite. "Thanks for dinner. Sorry I made you late for your _date_." His voice dripped with disgust.

"I didn't mean to hurt you." She knew it was a lie. The only reason she had come here tonight was to hurt him.

His eyes bore into hers, and her heart clenched. She could end this right now. She could run into his arms, beg forgiveness. Tell him that she was just scared, afraid of loving him, of losing him. He would hold her while she cried. He would softly whisper into her hair that it was okay. He would kiss the tears off her cheek. They could finish the night making love in the bedroom. All she had to do was take that first step towards him.

But she didn't.

She turned slowly and walked towards the door. She opened it and slipped out, quickly closing it behind her lest she change her mind and run back in. She pressed her back against the wooden surface willing herself to walk away. Knowing she was leaving Jay inside hurting and angry was breaking her heart, but she knew it was best in the long run. A bit of pain today would give him hope at a future without heartache caused by her.

She flinched as the sound of breaking glass hit the door behind her back. Tears slipped down her face as she pushed off the door and walked away.

 **Author's Note: Don't be angry! It's just so much more fun writing them apart, then writing them together. Please review and let me know what you think? I am debating how much further to take this, since it is so clearly AU now. Review, Review, Review, please!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: Wow! A lot of you really did not like the last chapter. Sorry Hank was a little harsh on Erin. Remember that part of the story took place just days after Erin rejoined the squad. I think Hank might have had some trust issues and a little bit of hurt feelings after she walked away from him. Just my interpretation. I'm Linstead all the way! They will find their way back to each other eventually. If it happens too fast, then there is no story!**

Erin looked across the squad room at Jay from under her lashes. Jay's head was down and focused on some paperwork that he was processing into the computer. His brow was furrowed in concentration, and she could see the tension in his body. She knew he hated paperwork. Spending almost a week doing it was driving him insane. Not to mention….the other stuff. He'd been in a pissed off bad mood all week, and all the guys had noticed it. Most had played it off thinking he was just recovering from his ordeal, and that his mood was due to being stuck at a desk all week. Ruzek and Atwater hadn't seemed to notice the limited interaction between Erin and Jay, but Antonio sure had. She'd seen Antonio's eyes drift back and forth between the two several times over the last few days. Paperwork and files passed between them without a word, and Erin avoided joining in on the teasing about Jay's recovery. Antonio's observational skills didn't miss a thing. Erin was positive that Olinsky knew exactly what was going on. She had caught his all-knowing eyes studying her several times over the last week. Not to mention she had observed Jay and Al in a few intense break room conversations. A part of her was glad he had someone to talk it out with, but a part of her was uncomfortable knowing one of the team knew her personal business.

Erin allowed her gaze to drift to Voight's office where she could hear him talking animatedly on the phone. That was another issue all together. When Erin had suddenly started spending all her evenings at home, sulking on the couch or in her room, he had tried pestering her about what was wrong. Not one to put too much effort in, he eventually had given up and just ignored her as much as she was ignoring him. While Voight hadn't exactly told her to break it off with Jay, he had put the seeds of doubt in her head. She cared for Jay, she really did. He was a great guy, but when she thought of her future 5 years, 10 years from now, she just imagined herself here. On the job, working cases. Could she imagine herself with kids? With a husband? Jay's kids? Jay as her husband?

Erin allowed her eyes to drift back across her desk to look at Jay. He was turned slightly, smiling and laughing quietly at something Ruzek had just said. As he turned back to his desk, a grin still on his face, his eyes met hers. Instantly his face froze, the smile dropping from his face. His eyes locked on hers. Erin fought the urge to look away. She could do this. She could stay strong. She made the right decision. His blue eyes were hard, but as she held his gaze, they softened. He tilted his head and shrugged his shoulders slightly. She could hear his silent question. _Why?_

Suddenly, Voight was at his door. Everyone stopped what they were doing and gave him their attention. "All right, people. We've got a lead. One of my CI's has dropped some intel that Caruso had two nephews that had been making waves in his organization over the last two months. One or both of them might be our suspects." When nobody made an immediate move, he continued. "Up. Now! Get me some information. I want eyes on the nephews in the next hour!" Everyone in the unit automatically stood, including Jay.

"Sit!" Voight barked.

"But Sarge, Will said I'm practically fine."

Voight gave Halstead a narrowed glare. "That's funny because he told _me_ you weren't cleared until Monday."

Jay practically growled as he sat back down. He regretted the day that Will and Voight had ever met. Despite their initial tension, with Benson and Voight questioning him in suspicion of being a serial killer, Voight had called on Will in numerous occasions when he wanted a quick medical opinion. It irked him to no end that Voight seemed to respect Will's opinion, but could care less about Jay's.

"Lindsay, Atwater, you try and find the nephews through Caruso's sister. O and Ruzek, you head down to Caruso's club, see if any of this cronies will give you any info on the nephews."

Jay sat slumped at his desk watching as the rest of the team gathered their stuff and headed down the stairs. Jay tried not to let his gaze focus on Erin as she trotted down the steps, but he couldn't help it. A part of him willed her to look back at him, acknowledge him in the slightest. Only Olinsky gave Jay a backwards glance though. Erin was as stoic and cold as ever. Jay turned his head back to the room, only to catch Voight staring at him knowingly. Voight gave a slight head shake before turning back into his office. Jay fumed silently as he watched Voight's back retreat into his office. He knew, he just knew, that Voight was the reason for Erin's abrupt change in behavior. Voight had either threatened her or held something over her head to get Erin to break it off with him. He had contemplated several theories throughout the week, and for today he had settled on that Voight had threatened Jay's job.

Unable to hold back his anger any longer, he pushed himself up from his chair and stalked over to Voight's office. "We need to talk."

Hank had just settled into his chair when Halstead burst through the door. He raised his eyebrows at the intrusion. "We need to talk, _Sarge_?"

Jay gritted his teeth at the subtle reminder that Voight was his commanding officer. "Can we talk, Sarge?"

Voight motioned to the chair across from his desk. Even though Jay would have rather stood, he moved to sit on the edge of the chair.

"I don't mean to be disrespectful, Sarge, but what did you say to Erin?"

Voight just shrugged his shoulders. "Regarding?" He knew things had changed between the two since Jay had returned. Something had happened the night of the lasagna incident. Erin had took off for Jay's and left behind the tray of lasagna. He had snagged a piece, and quite frankly he felt Jay owed him a favor for taking that bullet. The entire pan had ended up in the trash. The girl had major layering issues. Hank had even cleaned the kitchen, which Erin had not taken care of despite her protests that she would. After only being gone about an hour, she had returned, surveyed the kitchen without a word, and then escaped to her bedroom, where she had pretty much hid out ever since. Thirty year old Erin was just as moody and irritable as sixteen year old Erin.

When Halstead had returned to work the next morning, he and Erin had barely exchanged a word. Jay had sat at his desk without complaint, at least for the first day, while Erin had used any possible excuse to be out in the field. He had seen Halstead's tension level increase each day, and he wasn't truly surprised to have him in his office. He was only shocked it had taken five days for Halstead to break.

He watched Halstead take a steadying breath. "Last week, we were…" Jay trailed off thinking of the appropriate word to use with Voight. "We were cool." Did that summarize their relationship? Cool? Jay shrugged off his own inability to define their relationship. "Then she shows up Sunday night all, pissed off and angry at me. Now she won't barely give me the time of day." That wasn't exactly the way it happened, but Jay wasn't going to tell his boss that he had kissed Erin and been rejected. "What did you say to her?"

Voight just stared at Halstead, his face unreadable. "I told Erin that I thought you were a stand-up guy. That you were the type of guy who'd stick by her." It was true, but Voight knew that wasn't the part of their talk that had cause Erin to do an about face on her relationship path with Halstead.

Voight knew that he had scared Erin off of the kid, and he wasn't all that broken up over it. Erin had to face the facts that Jay wanted those things. Kids, marriage, a house in the suburbs. You'd have to be blind to not see that. So what? Yes, he forced Erin to take her blinders off. You get serious with a guy like Halstead, you get hitched. Then Erin either has a change of career, or a divorce in her future. He'd seen enough cop marriages fall apart that way. At this point, he wasn't even sure that Erin was back for good. Yes, it had been two weeks, and she seemed like she had her focus back on her work, but Voight wasn't positive yet. He wanted to see her truly committed to the job before he'd trust her to make any life decisions.

Unaware of the rest of Voight's conversation with Erin, Jay's brow furrowed in confusion. "Then why did she push me away? Why is she freezing me out?"

Voight sighed. "I've never claimed to understand Erin. She has her own mind. Does what she wants with or without my permission." His boss gave him a knowing look, subtly reminding Jay that Voight knew of him and Erin's interlude last winter.

Jay drummed his fingers on the arm of his chair. "So you aren't threatening her with my getting fired or anything?"

Hank shook his head, "No, but I think no matter what I said to Erin, my point has been proven. You two getting involved causes conflict in this house. Now do I need to reassign you a new partner when you return into the field next week or can you get past this?"

Jay glared at Voight. He knew he was still missing a piece of the puzzle. Hank wasn't giving him anything, and Erin sure as hell wasn't giving him a clue. He abruptly stood up. "We're fine."

Without a second look, he stalked back over to his desk and dropped into his chair. Seconds later Hank could hear the pounding of the keys on Halstead's computer. If Jay kept up that pace, he'd been done with his paperwork by noon, and he'd also need a new keyboard.

Hank felt a few pangs of guilt over Halstead's frustration. He knew the kid thought he was in love with Erin. Maybe he was. Honestly, he wasn't that bad of a kid. A pain in the ass, but not too much more than most of the other pain's in his ass. The kid was pretty good to Erin. Looked out for her, had her back in the field, worked the job hard. He just didn't get why they had to go and mess with their partnership and get naked. He tried to imagine if he had worked with Camille, what would their relationship had been like. He shook his head. Yeah, that would not have lasted. Camille liked to boss him around at home, and there was no way he would have been okay with that on the job. Although come to think of it, Halstead didn't seem to have a problem with Erin taking the lead when they were working together. Maybe the two of them did have something figured out. Hank sighed. Seriously, why was he even having to think about this crap? He had a dead guy, two suspects, and few leads. He didn't have time to analyze his team's romantic lives.

He glanced out the door one more time. Halstead had stopped typing the crap out of his keyboard and was now staring aimlessly across the room, in the general direction of Erin's empty desk.

Maybe someday down the road the two would work things out. Preferable when they were no longer working in _his_ unit. He didn't really mean to send Erin in a downward spiral by having her take a hard look at her future. She was barely a week sober and thought it was the right time to make big decisions about her life. Decisions that could affect other people's lives. It was the truth though. Messing around with a guy like Halstead wasn't the same as some of the other guys Erin had hung around with in the past. He did care. You could tell even now, hurt and angry, Jay still cared. If Erin wasn't ready for commitment, it was better she stayed clear of Halstead. Jay wanted it all from Erin, and his kid had never given that to anyone.

 **Author's Note: Thanks for reading! Please review. It was hard to read so many unhappy reviews after the last chapter, but helpful to see where the readers thoughts were. I appreciate the comments, good and bad. Hopefully I showed in this chapter that Hank does care about Erin, he just is worried about her, and still not a fan of in house romance.**


	7. Chapter 7

Jay had been back in the field for almost two weeks. True to his word, Hank had not broken apart their partnership. Whether or not that was a good decision had yet to be determined. Jay had taken Erin's advice from almost a year earlier and done everything he could to keep it professional. It was driving Erin crazy.

The first few days had been filled with silence. Whenever they were on their way to calls, Jay had spent most of his time staring out the window or playing on his phone. Any attempt on Erin's behalf to start a conversation had been met with stony silence or noncommittal grunts. After Erin made some comment about his silent treatment being immature, Jay had changed tactics. Now he talked. Constantly, incessantly. He talked about whatever case they were working on nonstop. Theorizing about suspects, reciting background, comparing the suspects to old cases. Erin didn't think that she'd heard Jay talk shop this much in the whole two years they'd worked together. At this point, Erin almost would have preferred the silence. At least the silence was honest. Erin knew the case talk was all bullshit.

"So, this Mendes guy reminds me a lot of that guy we busted last year at the old tire factory. Remember him? He was all talk and had little game to back it up. Even his own people turned on him as soon as they had opportunity. I bet once we get a few of his guys in the cage, they will flip on Mendes in a heartbeat." Jay took a quick breath, then glanced slightly at Erin as she drove, her eyes focused on the road. She didn't comment or respond, but that wasn't uncommon, she usually didn't. "According to his background, he got pushed out of Rivera's crew a few years back. I think that we could look into that angle if this lead doesn't work-"

"I'm moving back into my apartment tomorrow." Erin suddenly interjected. Jay gave her a quick look of disbelief, then turned his gaze out the window. Silence stretched out between them. Erin stole a glance at him. She could see his jaw was tight and there was tension in his shoulders. He was breathing heavier than normal, his chest visibly rising and falling. Jay had gone out of his way to avoid any kind of conversation that had hints of a personal nature. Erin, didn't want to cause trouble, but the non-stop work chatter was giving her a headache. If throwing Jay off his game a bit gave her a few minutes of silence, it was worth it.

Erin didn't really know what she wanted from Jay. She had naively believed that after a few days, Jay would just return back to his normal self. Once he realized that they weren't going to be together, Erin just thought he would move on. Last time they had broken things off, they had been able to get back in their rhythm as partners pretty quickly. Occasionally there had been awkward moments, but overall they'd been fine. This time, not so much. She could see the barely contained anger simmering below the surface every time they were together. At other times he would look at her with eyes so naked and vulnerable that Erin wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around him. One thing Erin knew for sure was that Jay wasn't letting this go. In all honesty though, Erin hasn't really been able to let him go either.

Erin pulled up to the bar that their suspect Mendes owned and operated. It was early afternoon, so the parking lot was basically empty. Jay practically leapt out of the car before Erin barely had it in park. He walked quickly across the parking lot, his hands shoved in his jacket pockets with his head down, only slowing his pace when he reached the sidewalk in front of the bar so that Erin could catch up to allow them to enter together. Erin threw him a dirty look, but it was lost on him as his eyes were firmly fixed on the street.

Once inside, it took a minute for their eyes to adjust to the darkened room. A middle aged woman with tired eyes was behind the bar cleaning glasses. Her eyes glanced up at them, lingering over Halstead for a moment before announcing, "We're closed until five." She gave one more once-over on Jay before return to her task.

Erin sighed, "Looks like you're up on this one." Jay made eye contact with Erin for the first time and sighed himself. He felt emotionally exhausted and the last thing he wanted to do was flirt with a some worn out bartender.

"I hate this bullshit," he muttered under his breath as he stepped up to the bar. Erin took up a position at the bar door while Jay worked his charm on the bartender. It used to give her a kick to see him in action. He could smooth talk most of the people they talked to. Young, old, male, female. It didn't matter. He had this way of putting people at ease. They opened up to him. He always seemed to know the right thing to say, the right question, the right comment. He made them feel comfortable, so they didn't mind sharing things with him.

Erin swallowed hard. Like her. She'd always felt comfortable with him, too. Until recently. Now she felt uncomfortable every day, all day. She missed it, too. Sharing stories with him, bantering back and forth. Him teasing her, her teasing him. That back and forth was always part of what made doing their job a little easier. Erin took a deep breath. She guessed that was part of what she was giving up. Now it just seemed to make doing the job harder. For both of them. Erin cooling things off with Jay was supposed to make him happier in the long term. Erin just wasn't sure how long that was going to take.

Erin eyed the conversation taking place at the bar. The world weary bartender was almost blushing like a teenager while Jay told her some story. Her blue eyes riveted on whatever he was saying. Jay let out a laugh. Erin shook her head. It was a real laugh. She could tell. That's another reason why people were drawn to him. He was real. Even when he was just trying to charm some old bartender, he was real with them. Maybe he hadn't wanted to flirt with the lady, but once there, he had given her his attention, been attentive, and she, of course, had responded. Erin felt a pang of jealous. It was ridiculous for her to be jealous, and she knew it, but she still felt the pang of envy stab her bruised heart.

After scribbling a few notes in his notebook, Jay pushed away from the bar with one last smile at the woman. He made eye contact with Erin as he turned away. His smile slipping immediately off his face. He gave her a quick nod though to let her know that he got the intel they needed. He relayed the pertinent information to Erin on the walk back to car. Then he settled into his seat, pulling out his phone.

Erin rolled her eyes. More silent treatment. Great. "Are you seriously never going to talk to me again?" she snapped out angrily.

Jay held up his arms in protest. "I'm texting Mouse the info I just got." Erin shrugged, more annoyed at herself than him. "Plus, I just talked to you the whole way over here and on the way back to the car just a second ago."

Erin let out a breath. "You know what I mean. Talk, talk. Like before. You know before we had our… misunderstanding."

Jay let out a bitter laugh. "Misunderstanding? You're funny." He propped his elbow up on the window and studied the passing cars. Erin allowed the silence to stretch. She didn't expect him to say anymore, and she was surprised when he spoke again. His voice was quiet but hard. "We can't you know." His eyes flickered over to her. "We can't go back to normal. Not until you stop lying to me and tell me truth about what's going on with you." Erin risked a quick look over at him. His eyes were focused on her now. The anger was gone, just sadness was reflected. Then he blinked, his expression shuttered, and he looked back away.

Erin's heart beat a little faster. She let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding. It wasn't really a lie. Maybe if she kept telling herself that, eventually she'd believe it.


	8. Chapter 8

Despite Jay's comments that they wouldn't be able to get back to normal, they kind of had. Over the next few weeks they had started to relax around each other. Conversations still mainly revolved around work, but they had expanded to discuss the going-ons at the precinct. Surprise over Burgess and Ruzek's broken engagement. Bigger surprise over Platt's engagement. They shared a few smiles, a few knowing glances, and even a few laughs. The unspoken rule was that they didn't discuss anything personal. Talk about other people, not themselves. Additionally, touching was not allowed. Not that they had been full of PDA's before, but the occasional nudge, hand on the back, and of course assistance with gearing up. Not that Erin really ever needed the help, it was just something they had always done. That had all ended though. Finally, they did not hang out together. That rule was strict. Whenever invitations to Molly's were issued, one of them would accept, and coincidentally the other always had other plans. It was uneasy truce, but it was a better place than they had been in before.

The case they were working on this week was difficult. Jay had dubbed it "Romeo and Juliet on the run." Only this pair of teenage lovers had killed Juliet's parents. According to the report, fifteen year old Marisol Jimenez had been being abused by her step father for most of her life. Friends of Marisol say that her mother just turned a blind eye to the abuse. Recently, Marisol had begun dating Felipe Sanchez, and the parents had forbid the relationship. Now, her stepfather and mother were dead, and the two teenagers were on the run. Family and friends suspected they were still in town as neither had any money or connections outside of Chicago. Jay and Erin were on their way to talk to Felipe's older cousin.

"This case sucks," Jay lamented as they rode along. He was flipping through the file, and he took a look at a picture of the two teens pulled off of social media. "These two look like babies. How the hell did their lives get like this?"

Erin shook her head sadly, "I don't know." She did know a bit though. She remembered her early teen years. She imagined her life had only been one or two bad decisions away from ending up like Marisol's.

Jay adjusted his seat a bit and faced Erin. "Everyone we have talked to say that this guy beat the crap out of Marisol for years. Her friend Tanya even hinted that the abuse had been sexual. Now we are going to track her down and throw her in jail for the rest of life? It just seems like a raw deal."

Erin shrugged, "She killed her mom, Jay."

Jay looked out the window at the overcast gray sky that was threatening rain, "Maybe." He sighed. Somedays he just hated this job. Tracking down gangbangers and drug dealers never bothered him. The domestic stuff got to him though. There was never a winner in these cases. Everyone lost.

Erin pulled up to the curb a few houses down from the cousin's place. They sat in the car for a few minutes surveying the scene. The neighborhood was pretty run down. A few cars were parked on the street, but it was deserted besides that. Houses were old and dilapidated. Several had boarded up windows. "Looks pretty dead." She commented.

Jay nodded his agreement, "Let's go harass the family." His voice was filled with cheerful sarcasm.

Erin and Jay crossed the street and walked a few steps across the sidewalk to the house. Looking around cautiously, they made their way up the steps to the front door. Erin knocked on the door, while Jay leaned to the side and peeked in the window, looking for any movement on the inside.

"See anything?" Erin questioned.

The lights were off in the house, and Jay couldn't see too much past the front room. There was a kitchen table with a bunch of takeout containers and the place was littered with clothes, trash, and miscellaneous other items. The place was a dump. It would be impossible to tell if any of the crap in this place belonged to the teens.

"Nah, no movement. Looks like a shithole, but nobody is moving in there."

Giving one more glance around the front of the house, they started back down the steps. Right as they were about to step onto the sidewalk, there was the slight echo of a door shutting from somewhere close. They both froze and locked eyes.

"Could be a neighbor?" Erin's voice was low, practically a whisper.

Jay shrugged and then nodded to the side of the house. "I'll check out the back. You cover the front in case someone tries to make a run for it." Jay pulled his gun from his holster and was moving along the side of the building within seconds.

Jay rounded the corner of the house and did a quick survey of the backyard. There was a rusted out car resting in the overgrown weeds, and in the corner a small dilapidated shed. Jay quickly made his way over to the shed, theorizing that what they had heard might have been the door to the metal shed closing. Carefully he edged the door open, then knocked it forward in one push, training his gun on the room. It was empty, with just a few boxes and clearly unused yard tools. He took a step back, preparing to leave when he heard the click of gun cocking behind his head.

"Drop the gun and turn around slowly." Jay heard the shaking voice behind him. Slowly he raised his arms, and turned around, coming face to face with the barrel end of a gun. Before him was Marisol Jimenez. He'd only seen pictures of her, but face to face, she looked even younger than her fifteen years. Her big brown eyes were wide with terror, and her hands were shaking almost violently as they pointed the gun at him.

"Hey, hey, it's okay. You don't have to do this." Jay tried to calm her down. The last thing he needed was a shaky teenager playing target practice with his body. "I'm not here to hurt you. Why don't you put the gun down?" His voice was soft and calm, never breaking eye contact with the young girl.

Marisol shook her head, but took a hesitant step back. Her eyes were wild with fear, "Dr-dr-drop your gun." Trying to gain her confidence, he slowly bent his knees to gently lay his gun at his feet. Then stood back up with his hands raised.

"See, I'm not wanting to cause problems. I just want to talk, Marisol." He kept his eyes and voice steady.

Her eyes widened even more in alarm as Jay said her name. "You don't w-w-want to talk. You want to take me to jail. Y-y-you know what I did." She aggressively took a step closer to Jay, her hand gripping the gun shaking back and forth.

Jay shook his head. "I know you were hurt. I know that you felt trapped. I don't know anything more than that." Marisol nodded her head, and Jay could see tears filling her eyes. He almost had her. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Erin making her way along the side of the house, gun drawn.

Marisol let the gun drop a few inches, and she took a step backwards away from Jay. "It was an-an-an- accident." She swallowed nervously, "Felipe and I were going to run away. He wanted to protect me." Tears started to fall down her cheeks. The gun lowered another inch.

Suddenly the back door to the house burst open, "Marisol!" A teenaged boy flew through the door. Marisol spun her head to see, just as Jay took a step forward. Sensing his movement, Marisol swung back around to Jay, and before anyone knew what had happened there was a shot. Jay felt the impact in his chest instantly, followed by the sound of another two shots. He fell to the ground.

"Jay!" Erin yelled, racing across the backyard. She stopped next to Marisol, who lay on the ground bleeding. She picked up the gun and placed it into the waistband of her pants before making her way closer to Jay. "Freeze!" she yelled to the young boy who now dropped to knees just steps away from Marisol. The boy had tears streaming down his face as he crawled towards his girlfriend. Erin grabbed her phone and called in the address. "Officer down with a GSW and teen girl also with a GSW. Send me two ambos, now!" By this time Felipe had pulled Marisol into his arms, and was crying over her. Marisol was conscious, and appeared to be shot in the shoulder. Feeling that neither teenager was going to do anything, Erin inched back, so she could check on Jay.

To her relief, he was half sitting already, coughing slightly. She looked at him in disbelief. She gasped, "You're okay?"

He patted his chest and coughed out a stunned breath. "Yeah, the vest took it. It was a low caliber, didn't go through." He retrieved his gun that lay behind him on the ground and pulled himself up to his feet. Training his gun back on the couple, he surveyed the scene.

Erin nodded in relief, her eyes searching his body for blood or injury despite his insistence that he wasn't hurt.

Jay circled around to the couple, he nudged Felipe with his leg, "Get up!"

Felipe turned to look at Jay with anguished eyes. He looked over at Erin and cried, "You shot her!"

Jay interrupted, "After she shot me!" He pulled Felipe up by the collar and pushed him against the wall to search him for weapons. Erin moved over to Marisol, and started checking her wound. "It's a clean shot. I think she will be okay." She called out to Jay. Jay nodded in relief. His eyes met Erin's, silently they exchanged a look. This case really did suck.

Jay wasn't even surprised that night when he heard the knocking on his door. He'd half expected it after the day they went through. What Erin really wanted from him was a mystery though. When they were just partners, they'd often get together after a rough case. Have a few beers, hash it out. Talk about the could've, should've, would'ves. When they were more than partners, it was the same. Just more touching and comforting. Now that they were barely on speaking terms, Jay wasn't sure what Erin wanted from him. All he knew is that she was here.

He pulled open his door. There she stood, her eyes were large, filled with doubt and concern. She was rocking back and forth a bit, almost as if she was already getting ready to bolt. By her side a six pack of his favorite beer lay dangling from her hand.

She let out a deep breath she didn't realize she had been holding. She tried to give a small smile to Jay, but the nerves didn't allow it to form. Instead she just raised the beers. "Wanna drink?"

Jay's clear eyes stared her down. For a moment, Erin wasn't sure if he was going to say anything. Then he reached forward and pulled two beers out of the box and turned back into his apartment leaving the door open behind him. While it wasn't an outright invitation to enter, it wasn't a door slam in her face.

Erin slowly entered, closing the door behind her, and trailed him into the kitchen. Jay grabbed a bottle opener and popped the tops off both beers. Erin opened the fridge and placed the rest of the bottles on a shelf. Jay silently handed a bottle to Erin, then leaned back against the kitchen wall and took a long sip. He then eyed Erin, waiting for her to speak.

Erin looked up into Jay's face. His normally so expressive eyes were closed off to her now. They seemed so blank. Almost dead to her. Erin shuddered slightly. Dead. That is what she had thought for a heartbeat early that day. She had watched Marisol shoot Jay point blank in the chest. She had seen Jay drop to the ground. For those few seconds she was sure that he had been gone. Without him knowing the truth. Without him ever getting his happy ending, with her or anyone else.

Erin let out a shaky breath. She licked her lips, her throat suddenly dry. Bringing the bottle up to her lips she took a sip. Jay mirrored her actions taking another drag on his bottle. He then continued to look at her expectantly. Erin knew he had no reason to make this easier on her. Last time she had been here, she had basically ripped his heart out. Tonight... tonight she just wanted to confirm that his heart was still beating.

Her voice was a bit unsteady, "You were shot today."

Jay nodded, but brushed off the comment. "I'm fine, you know that. The vest caught it."

Erin unwillingly felt tears sting her eyes, she shrugged. "You were still shot today." Her eyes drifted to the spot on his chest, right above the heart where the bullet had lodged in his vest. "For a moment…" She let her voice drift off, not wanting to verbalize that she had thought he was dead.

Jay wanted to reach out to Erin. Seeing her hurt still caused him pain. His heart ached. Not from the bullet that had left its bruise on his chest, but from her actions and words the last time she had been in his apartment and every day since. Her being here filled him with so much emotion. Anger at what she has put him through. Frustration at the lies she has been forcing on them. Joy that she was here. Relief that they had both made it out of the situation today unharmed. Confusion over what Erin wanted. Hope that he was finally going to get some answers. But he held himself back. He was tired of her pushing him away. If she had something to get off her chest, she was going to have to make the first move. He was done putting himself out there.

Still, trying to ease the tension in the room a bit, Jay spoke up, "I called the hospital earlier. Marisol is out of surgery. She's going to be fine."

Erin made a face, "Yeah, I stopped by hospital earlier. Her aunt was there. Wasn't too happy to see the cop that shot her baby niece." She took a long pull off her beer. Dealing with family was never easy. Even if the shooting was justified, you still shot someone's family member.

Jay let out an empty laugh, "Her baby niece that shot me in the chest and probably murdered her mom and step dad."

Erin raised her eyebrows, her voice was serious, "Still….I shot a kid today." She frowned in concern. A few inches to the left, and Erin's bullet could have killed Marisol.

Jay looked at her incredulously, "A kid who had just shot me. She didn't know I had a vest on. She could have killed me. You did what you had to do."

Erin shrugged limply and blinked away the tears. She looked away from Jay. Seeing him, hearing him defend her actions really didn't make her feel any better. Days like today…they made her question her job. Two desperate kids, guns, murder. She hated cases like this. They stayed with her. She would replay the events of today over and over, trying to think of ways that she could have done something different that wouldn't have ended with her bullet in some teen girl. But her mind also kept replaying another ending to the story. An ending where the bullet pierced Jay's vest or where Marisol's aim was a bit higher. Erin set her beer down on the table and ran her hands through her hair, turning around. She suddenly didn't know why she was here.

"Erin," She felt Jay's hand on her shoulder. She took a few steadying breaths. Trying to control the panic she was feeling. She couldn't handle loosing another person she loved. She relished the weight of his hand, anchoring her. The warmth she felt from the contact warming her skin. He had stepped close behind her and she could feel his body brushing against her back. Comfort was just inches behind her. Slowly she turned. She kept her eyes down, unable to make eye contact with Jay, knowing he would see right through her if she looked into those blue eyes that always seemed to see and understand all. Her eyes instead make contact with his chest. She raised her hand and gently placed it on his shirt over the place where she had seen the bullet enter. Unconsciously, she traced the spot in a slow circle.

Jay looked down at the woman he loved. Her pain was real, and despite his own hurt he just couldn't leave her to be consumed with guilt and pain. Jay lifted his hands and placed them on top of her fingers. He pressed down, pushing her hand flat against his chest.

"Still beating," he said quietly. Erin could feel it, too. She could feel the rapid beat of his heart. It's pace increasing by the second. She let out a gasp, almost a sob. Then she finally lifted her eyes to meet his. The emotional storm in Jay's eyes matched the turmoil in her own. Their breathing intensified as the space between them decreased. Unable to deny what she wanted, no, needed, Erin closed the gap between them and crashed her lips against his. Instantly his arms wrapped around her, pulling her close and pressing their bodies together until they were one. Hands and mouths desperate as they searched out exposed skin. Jay spun Erin around to push her against the wall, he pulled his lips away from her mouth to place heated open mouthed kisses down her neck, sucking and teasing her sensitive spots, before trailing a scorching path up to her ear.

"Are you really here?" He whispered into her ear. His voice was deep with wanting and need. Jay has imagined Erin showing up on his doorstop almost every night since the last time she left. Every scenario ends much the way things were happening now. He wasn't sure this was real. Except her light hands skimming their way down his chest and under his shirt felt real. Felt like the hands he knew and craved.

Erin gripped the bottom of Jay's shirt and yanked it up. Jay raised his arms, so Erin could pull it all the way off. Her lips attacked the newly revealed skin. She placed hot, wet kisses along the muscles and skin of his chest, slowing only when she reached the dark circle of a bruise that revealed where the bullet had pressed against his skin. She leaned back a bit, so she could see it more clearly. Their breathing heavy in the quiet kitchen as Erin stared transfixed at the bruise that marred his skin.

Jay didn't want to stop though, he reached forward and gripped Erin's hips, lifting her up and against him. Erin had no choice but to wrap her legs around his waist and wind her arms around his neck. He kissed her lips hard as he blindly began walking them back towards his bedroom. Erin laughed as he bumped her into the end table and almost fell. He smiled against her lips. Her hands teased the hairs at the back of his neck while her lips stroked and danced against his. Distracted, Jay stumbled again when his foot brushed against the couch.

"Eager are you?" Erin laughed with a smile lighting up her face. True joy reaching her eyes for the first time in over a month.

"Hell ya," Jay captured her lips again in a hard kiss before tumbling them onto his bed.

 **Author's Note: There's still more story to tell. I think things haven't quite been settled yet. I like angst, so if you are ready for some more, review!**


	9. Chapter 9

Hours passed in the moonlit bedroom, as Erin and Jay touched, teased, and pushed each other over the edge time and time again. Few words were spoken, instead they chose to speak with their bodies. Finally spent, they lay wrapped in each other's arms listening to the sounds of night as a light rain pitter pattered against his bedroom window. Neither wanted to be the first to speak, to break the cocoon of intimacy that they had created in this room.

Finally, Jay, needing to hear Erin's voice broke the silence. "I'm glad you are here tonight." He softly put out in the dark night. He laid a gentle kiss against her forehead, his hand gently tracing her cheekbone, his thumb brushing against her lips.

Erin allowed her head to press against his light touch. She smiled slightly and breathed in his presence. She'd almost forgotten what it felt like to be loved by Jay. Sex with Jay was rarely just sex. It was always more. He was attentive and creative in his touch. Finding new spots to drive her crazy, while also knowing just the right buttons to push to take her over the edge. Plus, he was equally responsive to her touch. She felt so powerful when she skimmed her hands and lips over his body and he could barely contain his pleasure. Firm, yet gentle. Slow, then fast, Laughter and teasing, then intensity. Erin's release was bone melting, and at this moment, she couldn't remember why or how she'd ever been able to walk away from this.

"Tonight was nice." She smiled into the dark night, wanting to feel his warm skin under her finger tips, she lifted her hand and stroked it against Jay's hard chest, drawing patterns and designs into his skin.

She heard a slight rumble from Jay's chest, "Nice?" He leaned forward and pressed a teasing, lingering kiss against her smiling lips. "I better work a little harder. I was aiming for amazing or unforgettable."

As his lips brushed against hers again, she gave a little hum, "Definitely reaching unforgettable status."

He laughed out loud now, "How could you ever forget this?" He tangled his hands in her hair and gave her one more kiss before leaning back and studying her with a grin on his face. He still couldn't believe she was here. Despite Erin's teasing, tonight had been amazing. All the tension and hurt had melted away as they had made love throughout the night. Jay finally felt like things were making sense in his world again. Without Erin in his life, everything felt off-balanced, upside down, and backwards. Her coldness the last month towards him was unnatural and never had made sense. This made sense. Them together. Here and now. He was just so freaking happy at this moment. He grabbed the back of her head and pulled her close again, kissing her solidly.

Erin sighed against his lips. She felt so content in this moment, but a tiny part of her still felt unsettled. She knew that whatever they started up tonight would only be temporary. A long term relationship just wasn't in their future. There was just too many fundamental differences in what they wanted in life. But she was done resisting her attraction to him, her need for his companionship. They would be what they were to each other, but Erin just needed to make sure that Jay knew where she stood. She gave Jay a quick kiss and ran her fingers through his hair, all tousled from their night activities.

"We should do this more often," she whispered against his lips.

Jay chuckled, "I think that _is_ how this works. There is nothing stopping us, Erin. We can be together. Hank doesn't care, everybody knows."

She quirked her eyebrow at that. "I am not sure that Hank _really_ doesn't care. More like he doesn't want to know or deal with it." She gave him a serious look. "As long as we keep this casual, I don't think he will get in our business too much."

Jay pulled back a bit, a hint of confusion in Erin's choice of words, "Casual?"

She took in a quick breath. "You know what I mean. Partners at work, and then this when we…when we… need it."

Jay jerked up to a sitting position. "What's that supposed to mean? 'This' when we need it?" An incredulous look on his face letting Erin know that Jay had already read more into their night than she had intended. Not that she had intended anything when she had arrived at his door this evening. She had been upset and exhausted from the case, and she had known only Jay could understand how she was feeling. Plus, the thought of almost losing him again had sent knots twisting through her stomach. She had found herself at his apartment just needing that contact, that connection. Now as Jay pulled away, the cool night air skimmed her body, and she could feel that connection being broken. She pulled the blanket up to cover her exposed skin, suddenly feeling vulnerable.

"Jay, don't ruin this by over thinking things." She wrapped her arms around her chest, pulling the blanket tight around her body. "Tonight was just about comfort. A rough day, and we both needed someone to turn to. That's a good thing. We always have each other's back."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Jay looked at her with an incredulous expression on his face. "You are the one ruining this Erin. We could have this, Erin. Every day if you'd just let yourself have it."

"I don't need sex every day, Jay." Her tone dismissive.

"That's not what I mean, and you know it." He ran his fingers through his hair and turned his back to her, dropping his feet to the floor. He was so confused. How could Erin not feel what he felt when they made love. For him it was unlike anything he had ever had with any other woman in his life. It wasn't just about physical pleasure, but about the emotional connection when he looked into her eyes. It sounded like a cliché love song, but he'd swear their souls connected when they were together. It was unnerving but addicting. Yet, somehow, Erin was willing to just throw it away. Repeatedly.

"I can't believe you are doing this to me again. You showing up, knocking on my door, is like a nightmare repeating itself over and over again." He kept his back to her, not wanting to see her naked in his bed. The one thing he most desired, both within his grasp and out of his reach.

Erin tried to salvage the situation. She thought that there had to be a way for Jay to see things from her perspective. This could be really great still. They could work together, yet still have nights like tonight. But if things didn't work out, either could walk away, without too many hurt feelings.

Erin gripped his arm, and tried to get Jay to turn and look at her, "Jay, I want to be with you, but I'm just not cut out for this serious commitment stuff that I know you want."

Jay gave her a sideways glance. "This is about commitment?" His voice was hard. "Is there someone else?" He swallowed hard, a lump in his throat. "Is there another guy?"

"Yes, I mean, no." Erin sighed. "There is no one else, Jay. But, yeah, it's kind of about commitment."

Jay let out a relieved breath and turned to face Erin. "If there's no one else, I don't understand." His eyes were pleading and vulnerable, "Why don't you want to be with me?" His eyes traced her face, every curve and angle burned into his memory. He resisted the urge to reach across the bed and touch her. "I'm in love with you, Erin."

"Jay, don't…"

Jay interrupted her, not wanting to hear it, "Don't what? Love you? Sorry, that ship sailed a long time ago." He let out an exasperated breath. "I guess it was just stupid of me to think that maybe you felt the same way."

Erin reached across to grab his hand, put he pulled it back not able to handle the contact. "I care about you, Jay. You know that. I just think you want things from me that I am not able to give you."

Irritation flared in his voice, "Like what? What have I asked of you?" He demanded.

Erin hesitated. Here it was. No more hiding. If there was any hope of preserving their partnership, their friendship, she had to just be honest with him. She looked away for a moment, her eyes focusing on the rain snaking patterns down the darkened windows, each drop washing away the evidence of the drop before it. She wished the rain could wash away the hurt and pain that filled this room.

She took a steadying breath and faced Jay. "You want it all, Jay. I can see it when you talk about the future. You want marriage, family, and kids. You want a lifetime. That's not me."

Jay gave a derisive laugh, "That's funny, Erin. I don't remember proposing."

Erin gave him a look. "You don't have to, Jay. I know you. It's who you are. It's how you were raised."

Jay shook his head, wagging a finger at her. "This isn't about me. This is about you. I see it now. It's about Bunny and about Hank." Erin's sudden withdrawal all those weeks ago suddenly were starting to make sense. "You think you are Bunny, and Hank has somehow convinced you that I want all these future things."

Erin smirked at him, "You're denying it? You are saying that you don't want marriage and kids?"

"I don't know. Maybe someday, with the right person at the right time." Jay shrugged his shoulders, "I don't spend all that much time thinking about it."

Erin's laugh was bitter, "Now who's lying." She had seen the look in his eye when she mention marriage and family. Guilt. Jay wanted it. He wanted it all.

Physically and emotionally exhausted, Jay slid from the bed. He grabbed his sweats that had been discarded on the floor and slipped them on. He turned to look at Erin, who still lay naked and tangled in his bed. His stomach was sick with confusion. A half hour ago, he had been the happiest he could remember in almost a year. Now, it seemed like everything he had hoped for in the last year was slipping out of his reach. He didn't know how to hold on to what he wanted. Was it even worth holding on to?

"I'm going to go shower." Jay announced. He gave her a sad look, "I think it'd be best if you went home."

Erin saw the hurt, she didn't want tonight to end like this, "Jay-"

He held up his hand, "Erin, please. Give me this."

She nodded softly, and her eyes followed him as he turned and walked out of the room. She heard the door to the bathroom shut and a few seconds later the sound of the water from the shower. Flopping back onto the pillow, Erin looked up at the ceiling. It was done. It was truly over now. No hiding, no secrets, and most likely no Jay.

 **Author's Note: These two crazy kids still have a few things to work out! Stick with me, I have a plan. Thanks to all who review. It makes me so happy. The more I know people are enjoying the story, the more I write. Review please!**


	10. Chapter 10

Jay knocked hard on Erin's apartment door, pacing back and forth in the few seconds it took for her to reach the door and open it.

"Jay-" Erin was surprised to see him, but barely had time to react before he had captured her lips in a hard kiss, walking her backwards into her apartment and kicking the door shut behind him. His mouth was intense, sucking and pulling her lips and tongue into a frantic rhythm. His hands were all over her body at once, fingers deftly unbuttoning her shirt before she even had time to process what was happening. His lips broke from her mouth in order to find the wild pulse beating in her neck and to use his tongue to tease and taunt her.

"What are you-? Why-?" Erin breathed heavily, and she had a hard time finishing a thought as Jay's hands slid under her shirt and teased the soft skin hidden beneath.

Jay pulled back for a second, and Erin caught the look in his eyes. She could see the barely simmering rage boiling beneath the surface. As he started to lean back in, Erin placed her hands on his chest. "Stop." Jay ignored her attempt and leaned in and brushed his lips firmly against her lips again, dipping his tongue into her mouth to block out her objection. Twisting her face away from him, she pushed hard against him, "Stop, Jay!"

Jay pulled back immediately, her voice pushing through the haze of anger and lust that had threatened to overwhelm him. "What's wrong?" He questioned, his voice full of irritation.

Jay slid his hands out from under her shirt, and Erin immediately felt the loss of his touch, but she knew that Jay's arrival on her doorstop had little to do with her tonight. "Why are you here?"

He cocked his head, "I thought that was obvious."

Erin threw him a dirty look, "After the other night, I didn't think you were interested in just this."

"You said it could be just sex. What? It's not a two way street?" He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly, but his jaw was tight and his eyes flashed with emotion. "You show up at my place and expect me to put out with no strings attached, but I can't do the same?"

It wasn't like she just wanted sex from him, it was just that sex was something she could handle. She knew what was expected in the bedroom, and she was confident she could give Jay what he needed physically. It was his emotional needs that seemed beyond her grasp. Or maybe it was facing her own that was the issue.

"I'm not into angry sex, Jay." Erin crossed her arms defiantly across her chest.

"I'm not angry at you." Jay replied defensively.

Erin raised her eyebrows in disbelief. Jay shot her an annoyed look, but corrected himself. "I'm upset with you, but not… not right now," he finished lamely.

Erin snorted at Jay. "So you are pissed off at Voight. Doesn't mean I want angry _Voight_ sex."

Jay's face distorted in disgust, "Ewww. Did you have to phrase it like that? Way to kill the mood, Er."

Erin couldn't help but laugh at the expression on his face as whatever the phrase 'angry Voight sex' had caused him to envision, but she was mostly pleased to see the simmering rage in Jay start to dissipate. She walked over to the kitchen counter and got a few tumblers out from her kitchen cabinet. Reaching for the bottle tucked onto a shelf, she poured each of them a shot of whiskey. She pushed the glass across the counter towards Jay. He lifted and drained it in one gulp, then pushed it back towards Erin for a refill.

Erin tilted her head and let a smirk pass across her lips, "Guess we are drinking tonight." She leaned across the counter and refilled his glass with a double shot.

Jay cocked an eyebrow at her as he raised the glass to his lips again, "I had other plans, but you shot me down."

Erin just rolled her eyes, topping off her own glass, before carrying the glass and bottle over to her couch.

Reluctantly, Jay followed her. He settled onto the couch as far away from her as possible. Erin noticed the distance, but ignored it. Space was difficult for them. Too close and it was too intense, too far and it felt empty. Finding that comfortable distance for them had been challenging lately.

After their disastrous night a few days ago, they had struggled to find their balance at work. Erin had tried to give him space to figure out if he could accept what she could give. She had tried to talk to him once, but he had held up his hand and stated a firm, "Not ready to talk." As they sat opposite each other in the squad room or next to each other in the car, Jay alternately looked at her with wanting or with anger. He couldn't keep from making snide comments, but also couldn't resist touching her at every opportunity. A hand on her back, the brush of his fingers along her forearm, and one surprising kiss against the lockers that had ended before it began as Olinsky had walked through the door even as his lips had grazed hers. Whether he was confused about where they stood, or just trying to drive her crazy, Erin didn't know. His attitude at work was clearly suffering though, and today Hank had noticed.

"You've got to stop going out of your way to butt heads with Voight." Erin advised. "He's only going to let you get away with it so long before he kicks you out of the unit."

Jay made a face but didn't respond. He was staring down into his glass, as if the answers to life's mysteries were lost in the bottom of his glass.

"He's probably only allowed it this long because he still feels guilty about the whole Keyes incident."

"Pshh, that was months ago." Jay knew any sympathy that he had earned from that incident from Voight had long since expired.

Erin acknowledged that with a nod, "Exactly."

Today Jay had vehemently objected to Voight throwing an eighteen year old boy into the cage. The boy's teen sister has been missing for two days, and the boy's suspicious actions and comments in the last day had the team suspecting he knew more than he was saying. Jay wanted to try and talk to him in the interrogation room, but Voight overruled him and used his own methods down in the cage. Voight had gotten his answers and put a verbal smack down on Jay in the process. Embarrassed and pissed off, Jay had spent the rest of shift fuming at his desk.

Jay let his irritation show, "He acts like his way is the only possible way to get what we need." He turned and faced Erin, "I am positive I could have got the kid to talk, without having to get all threatening on him."

Erin hid a smile, "You two are too much alike is the problem."

Jay's mouth dropped open in horror. "You must be drunk." As if he was hoping to join her there, he drained his glass, reached over and refilled it with the bottle himself.

"No, think about it." Erin toyed with her glass, spinning the liquid around slowly, before bringing it to her lips and taking a slow sip. "You both _always_ think you are right."

Jay smirked, "Yeah, one of us thinks treating people like humans is right, and the other would prefer to cage them like animals." He let out a hollow laugh. "Practically twins." While he occasionally found common ground with their sergeant, more often than not, he struggled to understand Voight's methods.

"You know what I mean." Erin turned to face Jay on the couch. She tucked her feet under her and threw her arm up over the back of the couch and rested her head on her hand. She stared at Jay contemplatively. "You both are driven to do what you think is best at all costs. Be damned what anyone else thinks." She took another sip of her drink. "That's why you clash so often."

Jay gave a slight grunt, but didn't deny it. He leaned across the couch and refilled Erin's glass.

Erin offered him a small smile, "Someday you will lead your own unit and some young smartass with his own ideals will give you nothing but grief. "

Jay laughed outright at that. Shaking his head a bit. "If Voight doesn't kill me first."

Erin acknowledged Jay's statement with a chuckle, "Always a possibility."

Both found themselves smiling at each other, an evening beginning in anger now easing into laughter. A pleasant silence stretching out between them. Deciding to try and end the night on a positive note instead of the usual hurt words, Jay set his glass down on the coffee table. "I should go." He patted Erin on the knee, "Thanks for the impromptu therapy session. Not the kind of therapy I was aiming for, but it did the trick." He gave her a lopsided grin, and stood up from the couch.

Erin caught his hand as he lifted it from her knee. She raised her eyes to meet his questioning glance. "You're not angry anymore." She stated simply.

Jay opened his mouth in surprise, his mind blank for once. His eyes fell to their joined hands, studying them for a moment, before raising his eyes to meet hers. She raised her eyebrows in that flirty way she had. Jay let a slow grin spread across his face. Erin gave a firm tug on his hand, knocking him off balance, and sending him falling onto the couch. He used his free arm to catch himself, but still mainly landed on top of Erin with a whoosh. She opened her mouth to laugh, but Jay's lips had immediately found hers and he swallowed her laugh with a kiss.

Over the next few weeks, they settled into an unusual routine. Every few days, one would show up at the other's place. They might indulge in a bit of small talk, but more often than not their greeting started and ended in mind numbing kisses. Sex, they had decided, was a great way to ease the tension in their personal lives.

Erin knew she was not behaving rationally. She had intended to distance herself from Jay with the hopes that he might find someone more suited for him. Someone that was interested in a long term relationship that could lead to more. Something that Erin wasn't prepared for. She tried to tell herself that a little sex between friends wasn't going to stop him from finding that. Erin knew though that she was being selfish. She liked having this part of Jay. Maybe she couldn't keep his heart, but he freely gave her his body and Erin was greedy to make as many memories as she could. She'd break it off soon. The passion they felt for each other couldn't last too much longer. It would burn out soon, and they could return back to the casualness of their partnership. Erin brushed off the sick feeling that formed in her stomach anytime she thought of the end.

Jay, on the other hand, was well aware he was deluding himself. He kept thinking that if he kept showing up, if he kept the pressure about dating and relationships off the table, he'd get her to relax a bit. Yes, he showed up for sex, but it was never just sex for him. He was trying to show Erin without words that he loved her. His current theory was that Erin was just scared. She was afraid things were just too real between them. Maybe she was scared of the future. That her future might include him. Eventually she'd come around to his way of thinking. If she didn't, he didn't know what he was going to do. The thought of moving on... it just was hard to imagine someone else making him feel the way he felt when he was with Erin. But she was right about one thing: he wanted a family one day. He wanted that future that scared Erin, and he wanted it with her.

 **Author's Note: Then end is getting closer! I have two more chapters planned! This was kind of just an in-between chapter, and not too much happened, but it's part of their journey. Thank you for all the reviews. Hope you enjoyed this chapter.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Note: This chapter is guest starring some of my favorite characters from Chicago Fire. I've never written for them, so I hope I got them in character.**

Erin twisted restlessly back and forth on her bar stool. The hum of the crowd at Molly's buzzed in the background, but Erin's thoughts were elsewhere. It was "her" night out with the squad, and she was counting down the minutes until she could make her escape. Antonio had settled in a few seats over from her in deep conversation with Gabby. The upcoming holidays was proving a difficult one for both siblings, and they seemed to need some privacy. Adam had disappeared into the bathroom hallway with Kim a while ago. Either they were fighting again or making up. Quite frankly, Erin didn't want to see and didn't care which it was. Glancing around, she knew Atwater was about somewhere. Always Mr. Social, he was probably making his rounds, talking to everyone and making connections like he usually did. This left Erin alone with her thoughts. Not exactly a great place to be.

At the end of shift, Adam had declared first round on him at Molly's. Jay had declined stating plans, leaving Erin to accept. She had hoped a night out with the guys might make everything more clear or at least give her a break from thinking about her relationship issues. Her thoughts had had such highs and lows over the last month, she didn't even know how she truly felt anymore.

Jay.

Thinking his name made her lift her drink and drain the rest of its contents. Maybe the whiskey would give her the clarity she so desperately needed.

For a few weeks, things had been perfect. Kicking ass at work and mind blowing sex at night. What more could a girl ask for? If Jay had been unhappy with their arrangement, he'd hid it well. Then over the last two weeks, things had shifted slightly. A few less nights spent together, Jay claiming plans, tiredness, a headache. But then he'd show up again, or tease her with a text to come over. He had seemed distracted. Erin tried to pinpoint what was causing the distraction, but she wasn't sure. Maybe it was Jay's way of keeping himself from getting too close. Only problem was that it was having the opposite effect on Erin.

Nights spent away from Jay were filled with an ache that she couldn't quite name. She was restless and irritable. She'd lay in her cold bed and replay their conversations and moments together. Every few minutes she'd check her phone, hoping for a text or a missed call. Erin felt she was acting like a lovesick teenager. She knew it was ridiculous. _She_ had put these boundaries on their relationship. So why did it seem like it was easier for Jay to live with them than for her?

Gabby suddenly appeared in front of her. "Refill?" Erin nodded, and watched as Gabby filled her glass.

"How's it going?" Erin attempted to make small talk. Gabby and Erin had never been close, but they had shared a few friendly conversations over the last few years.

Gabby's smile was small, life was full of both blessings and heartache this year. "It's been a bit rough, but there's a few spots of sunshine lately." Almost involuntarily, Gabby's eyes lifted and met her boyfriend Matt's gaze across the room. Her smile spread a bit more fully across her face.

Erin glanced over her shoulder to see who or what had caused the expression, and saw a matching one on Matt Casey's face. "Hmmm, looks like you two have worked things out." She smiled to herself. The romantic in her always liked to see two people who clearly loved each other make it work. She admitted the hypocrisy of her own life made it seem like she might not believe in love, but she really did. Just for other people.

Gabby eyed the young detective. She didn't know too much about Erin's history. She knew for a bit that Severide and Lindsay had dated, but that seemed like it had fizzled out as quickly as it had begun. At one point, she had assumed that Erin and Jay had something going on, but she hadn't seen them in here together in months. Lately, Erin was always alone. In here with the guys from her squad, but most clearly, alone. Sensing Erin might be in the mood to talk, she lingered in front of her. "What's been going on with you?"

Erin's glance revealed a turmoil of emotions. She shook her head sadly, "I wouldn't even know where to begin."

Gabby tilted her head in sympathy, "Why don't you start at telling me about the best part of your day?"

 _Jay_.

There was no hesitation in Erin's mind. Jay was the best part of her day. Had been for as long as she remembered. Even when they weren't together, even when he was furious with her, he was the best part of her life. The light that kept her from sinking into darkness. An anchor that kept her grounded. Her mind was a slide show of Jay. Jay teasing her about driving. Jay losing embarrassingly at Scrabble. Jay comforting her after a difficult day. Memory after memory flitted through her mind. Unknowingly a smile had played upon her lips as she had thought about her partner.

Gabby grinned at Erin, noting the slight smile that had crossed her face, "Seems like there must be something good going on in your life for that smile."

Erin laughed softly in disbelief, "I don't know. Sometimes it seems so hard. Sometimes it seems so impossible."

Gabby looked at her contemplatively. "I don't really know your situation, but can I give you a little bit of unsolicited advice?" Erin shrugged, but encouraged Gabby to continue. "Don't wait. Whatever is holding you back, confusing you, keeping you from what you want, Screw it."

Erin laughed at Gabby's advice, "Screw it?"

Gabby nodded. "Yep, screw it. Screw them. Screw him. Screw the job. Whatever it is that has got you sitting here instead of where you want to be. Screw it. Go and get whatever it is that you want."

Could it be that easy? Erin lifted her glass in salute to Gabby, "Screw it!" Simple advice but possible the best advice Erin might have needed. Screw fear of commitment. Screw being afraid. Screw Voight. Screw Bunny. Screw the unknown future. Go and get whatever it is that she want. She wanted Jay. Simple and clear as that. She wanted Jay. All of him. Partner, friend, lover.

Erin took a deep breath as she loitered in Jay's hallway. Not that long ago Jay had lamented that Erin knocking on his door at night was the equivalent of a never ending nightmare. She bit her lip in anticipation. She was pretty sure that after tonight, Jay might take back that statement. She lifted her hand and rapidly knocked on his door, her heart was thumping in her chest. A murmuring of voices behind the door, confused her brain for a moment. Her heart dropped while her mind tried to make sense of the voices she heard coming from inside Jay's place. Before she could fully process it, the door swung open, and she was staring face to face with a surprised Sylvie Brett.

The other woman laughed lightly, "You're not the pizza man!" She held a few bills in her hand as she had clearly opened the door expecting to pay the delivery guy. Her eyes focused on Erin for a moment, and she tilted her head in recognition. "Lindsay, right? You're Jay's partner." She looked over her shoulder into the room. "Jay, it's your partner."

Upon hearing Erin's name, Jay had jumped up from the couch and stood facing the door frozen. Erin's shocked gaze met his blue eyes. Guilt flashed all over his face. Erin gasped in disbelief, her mouth dropping open in surprise as the truth of the situation slapped her in the face. Jay was on a date.

"Speaking of the devil!" Sylvie brushed past Erin into the hall, as the expected pizza man apparently arrived. Erin could hear the transaction being completed behind her back, but she couldn't move. Her body was paralyzed as her eyes continued to be locked on Jay's. He, too, remained still, unflinching. Erin's accusing eyes searched his for answers, but all she saw was emptiness.

Erin couldn't believe fate. After months of pushing Jay away, wishing that he would find someone new, the night that Erin decides, screw it, she wants to be with the man she loves, he decides it's time to move on. Although thinking back on the last couple weeks, Erin imagines maybe tonight isn't the first night. Jay's sudden distractions recently were probably due to the woman buying his dinner in the hallway.

"Ah, excuse me," Sylvie attempted to move past Erin carrying the large pizza box.

"Sorry," Erin muttered, pressing herself against the entryway to allow Sylvie to move past. Pressed against the same wall that Jay has pushed her up against time and time again as he would rain kisses down her body when she would arrive. Erin felt like throwing up.

Sylvie's eyes flickered to where Jay still stood transfixed, staring blankly at Erin. Not moving forward or inviting Erin in. She glanced back at Erin, who stood as dumbfounded as Jay. "Ummm, we were just going to eat some dinner and watch the game. Did you want to join us?" She lamely added, not understanding the tension between the two partners, but clearly realizing something was amiss. She looked back and forth between the two, trying to figure out what she should do.

Erin finally broke her gaze to look at Sylvie Brett's face. Erin only knew the girl in passing. She had bumped into her on a few calls, and they hung out in the same general circles, but she didn't think she'd ever really talked with her. She seemed nice enough. Pretty enough. And she was dating Jay. She was dating the guy Erin was in love with. Realizing Brett was expecting an answer, Erin threw a quick glance back at Jay, who still stood numb in the living room but had dropped his gaze to the floor. "No, I…I…." She forced a smile to Sylvie that she knew was transparent. "I forgot Jay had said he had plans tonight." She backed away further into the hall. "Have a …ah… have a good night." Not sure if she could keep the façade up a moment longer, she spun and fled down the hall.

Turning slowly to face Jay, still holding the pizza, she shut the door against Erin's disappearing back. "Oohhhkay. That was awkward." She walked into the living room and shoved the pizza box into Jay's stomach. Not expecting it, he stumbled a bit and grabbed it. The action knocking him out of his daze.

"Sorry," he mumbled. "I mentioned I had plans. She must've forgot."

Sylvie snorted. "Yeah, I got that story." She sighed. She liked Jay. He was a nice guy. One night last week they had ended up chatting the night away at Molly's after Adam Ruzek had disappeared with Chili to do God knows what. Similar interests in music had led to a lengthy conversation and an exchange of numbers in order to get in contact to loan a bootleg copy of a favorite local band's music. Sylvie had been pleasantly surprised when he texted her to meet up for coffee a few days later. Coffee had been… nice. While there hadn't been an immediate connection, she had appreciated the attention of the handsome detective. During coffee, they had made the plans to watch the game and eat pizza on Friday night. Not a hockey fan, Jay had declared that he could convert her if given the chance. Was there a romantic connection? Not yet, but Sylvie had been optimistic that maybe tonight a few sparks might develop. After seeing the silent tension between Jay and Erin, it was quite clear why nothing had sparkled between them. Jay was clearly in love with his partner. If her devastated reaction to seeing Brett in Jay's apartment was anything to judge by, Erin was pretty in love with Jay, too.

Sylvie dropped onto the couch and looked up at Jay, "Sit. Eat. Talk."

Jay gave her a strange look, "I'm not a dog." Although he sat, and opened the box, pulling a slice out for each of them and sliding a plate over to Brett.

Sylvie gave him a dubious look, "If the shoe fits..."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jay, still reeling from Erin's quick arrival and departure, wasn't quite following Brett's train of thought.

Sylvie gave him a look that clearly made it seem that she thought it was obvious. "It's kind of dog of you to be asking me out on a date when you are head over heels in love with your partner."

Jay froze with his mouth open, a slice of pizza halfway to his lips. "It's not quite like that." He set the slice back down, an apologetic look all over his face.

Sylvie rolled her eyes but let a laugh escape. "Clearly it is."

Jay shrugged, "I'm sorry. I really am." He opened his mouth to explain, but then just shrugged again. He kind of threw up his hands a bit in frustration. "I can't even explain it in a way that makes sense."

"You guys aren't together?" Sylvie questioned.

"Not really." Jay sighed, "Not how I want us to be."

Sylvie looked at him sympathetically. While they may have started the night on a maybe date, she kind of felt like Jay needed a friendly ear right now. "I am pretty sure she's in love with you, too."

Jay snorted in disbelief, "She just doesn't want to be with me."

"Then... why was she here?"

Jay leaned back and rested his head on the back of the couch. He rolled his head to look at Sylvie Brett. Tonight was a disaster. Last week he had bumped into her at Molly's, and the two of them had enjoyed a great conversation about local bands. Brett had been obsessed when she had found out he had a bootleg copy of a local band's recent set. Jay had gotten her number without even thinking about it, promising to make her a copy. He hadn't even really thought much more about the interaction until the next evening. Erin had arrived at his apartment, but she hadn't been in the mood to talk, and she had slipped out of his bed just an hour later. Jay had lay staring blindly at his ceiling until the wee hours of the night. He had decided he just couldn't do it any longer. Every time she walked away from him, the pain was just too much. His heart was raw and aching. He had to try and move on. Remembering the pleasant encounter with Sylvie, Jay had texted her the next morning to meet for coffee.

Their coffee date had been…uneventful. She was nice, but there wasn't much of a connection. Jay had spent most of the time thinking about Erin. Deciding to push forward anyways, Jay had offered the invite to watch the hockey game a few days later. His confusion over the next few days had been evident. He both felt guilty for trying to move on, and at the same time, he was desperate to reconnect with Erin again.

Since he was unable to be honest with Erin, he decided that being truthful with Sylvie was the next best thing. He gave her an apologetic smile. "I'm really sorry. You're nice and all, but you're right. She's got me all messed up."

"Well, as your new _friend_ ," She emphasized the word friend, "I'd be happy to listen if you had something to get off your chest."

His loud sigh was rather melodramatic, "Well, _friend_ , I'm in love with her, and she wants to have a no-strings-attached kind of relationship. I want more." He gave Sylvie a half grin. "Nothing really earth shattering."

"I don't mean to pry, but why doesn't she want to be in a real relationship with you?" She only knew Jay casually, but he seemed like a nice guy. Cute, charming, and all-round good guy. If Jay Halstead was in love with her, she'd sure as hell be willing to give a relationship a try. Giving Jay a once over, she thought about it again. He was cute enough she'd almost be willing to give it a try knowing he was in love with someone else. Maybe he had some weird dark and twisted side?

Jay allowed his mind to wander a bit as he thought about why Erin kept him, and everybody else, at arm's length. He knew her upbringing had been difficult. He had seen firsthand the damage that Bunny could inflict on Erin's self-esteem. Even Voight, who had taken her off the street and given her a family, tended to manipulate her at times. He's the one who had pulled the strings on keeping them apart for the last year after all. Erin just couldn't accept that Jay wanted her as she was. Her past didn't keep him from wanting to be with her. In fact, he admired her for all she had been through. It made him more proud to know her and be a part of her life.

Noticing that Sylvie was looking expectantly at him, he responded, "She's got some intimacy issues." He ran his hands through his hair and gave a slight smile to Sylvie. "She wants me to move on, find someone new."

Surprise filled Sylvie's face, and she pointedly replied, "No. She. Does. Not." She had seen the look of shock and betrayal on Erin's face when she read the situation in Jay's living room. That was not the look of someone who wanted their 'partner' to move on.

Jay nodded his head adamantly, "No, she has told me repeatedly. 'Find someone more like you. Find someone you can have a future with.'" He gave Sylvie an almost desperate look. "I'm just trying. I'm still just trying to make her happy."

She gave him a sly grin, "She does not want you to move on. I saw the look on her face, Jay. That girl is _way_ in love with you."

"It doesn't matter." Jay slumped down on the couch dejected. "I've been trying to get through to her for weeks. Months! Nothing seems to work."

Sylvie turned and grabbed Jay's hands. "Listen. I know you and I aren't that good of friends, and I really don't know all the details of this relationship. Yet, I do know a little bit about love. It doesn't come along all that often. For some people, I think maybe it only comes once in a lifetime. If you really love Erin. Really, deep, true, honest love. Why are you here with me? You should be chasing that girl and begging her for another chance. If she says no, beg again tomorrow. She loves you, and you love her. If that means anything in life, then you two should be able to find a way to make it work."

Jay gave Sylvie a hopeful smile, "You really think so?"

Sylvie nodded vehemently, "Go." Jay, suddenly eager to escape jumped up from the couch. "And, hey, if she absolutely turns you down, give me a text." At Jay's horrified look, Sylvie laughed. "Kidding."

Jay walked Sylvie out and then made his way to his car. He probably broke a million traffic laws heading over to Erin's apartment building, but once there, he couldn't get himself to leave his car. He saw Erin's vehicle parked in its spot, so he knew she had come home after leaving his place. He just wasn't sure what exactly he was going to say to Erin once he knocked on her door. He wanted to tell her he loved her, but she already knew that. He needed to figure out a way to get her to push past her fears. Of course at this point, he probably should just worry about her not kicking his ass after seeing him on a date with Sylvie. Resolutely, he got out of his car and headed determinedly up to her building. He could sense a change. One way or another, tonight was the night. Either he was going to make Erin see the light, or he was walking away… forever.

 **Author's Note: I think there is probably only one more chapter left. Maybe two, at the most! Thanks to all who take the time to read and review! Much appreciated.**


	12. Chapter 12

Erin heard the knock on her door and seriously contemplated not even answering it. She suspected it might be Jay, but wasn't even sure. After all, he had seemed pretty occupied with his date earlier in the evening. Erin felt a fresh wave of tears threaten to fall as she recalled seeing Sylvie answer Jay's door. In her head she could see her watching the game on Jay's couch, eating Jay's pizza, listening and laughing to Jay's stories, and in Jay's bed. She took a few steadying breaths to try and hold the tears at bay. She'd already allowed enough to fall on the drive back to her place and then again after she had somehow made it home. Long ago she had sworn she would never cry over a guy. Yet, she had spent the better part of an hour letting the waterworks flow as she tried to come to terms with the disaster that her life had become. She couldn't even be mad at Jay. She had driven him to this. Hell, she had practically demanded this.

The knocking on her door had evolved into a pounding. "Erin, open the damn door. I know you are in there."

Well, that answered that question. It was Jay. Not wanting to give her neighbors a show, she stalked over to the door and threw it open.

Jay's heart dropped when he looked at Erin. Her eyes were bloodshot and swollen, and Jay knew she had been crying. The fact that she had been crying due to his actions pained his heart. The anguish and anger in her eyes made him ache to reach out and hold her, but he could tell from her defensive stance, that she was ready to fight.

"What do you want, Jay?" she spit out.

Knowing an invitation wasn't going to be issued, Jay pushed past her and made his way into her living room. "Come on in" Erin sarcastically called after him. Slamming the door behind her, silently apologizing to her neighbors, she followed him into her living room. Jay had taken to pacing the short distance from her kitchen counter to the couch. She didn't know what to think about him showing up here. She wasn't dumb. He'd been on a date. Clearly he'd moved on, and she had to just accept that. If he was here to make a big scene about breaking up, or ending whatever it was they had going on, it was unnecessary. She got the message. Loud and clear.

Fidgety and agitated, Jay stopped pacing and shoved his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket. "What the hell was tonight all about?"

Angry at Jay's obvious irritation, when she was the one who had the right to be angry, Erin let the words flow off her lips unfiltered. "Why are you asking me, Jay? I'm sorry if I put a wrinkle in your 'get laid' plans for tonight, but don't show up here thinking you can rely on your back up plan. Cause that ain't gonna happen. Never again!"

"Why are you so upset, Erin?" Jay flippantly asked. He shrugged his shoulders, anger evident in his voice.

Erin looked at him with anguished eyes, "Don't get stupid on me, Jay. You _know_ why!"

Jay let out an irritated sigh. "No, Erin. I get it. I get that you didn't like seeing me with Sylvie," Jay saw Erin physically tense and avert her eyes at his comment. "What I don't get is why it upsets you when you have pushed me to this for months. What did you expect Erin? You think I was just going to wait around forever for you? That you could just keep me at your beck and call. Pull me out of the closet when you needed a good lay."

Her stormy eyes met his, "No! But I guess I didn't think you'd move on WHILE we were still sleeping together."

"Are you kidding me?" Jay practically yelled. His tone was mocking, "Let me quote you. 'Move on, Jay. Find someone you can have a future with, Jay. I can't commit to you, Jay-"

"Stop!" Erin yelled interrupting him. "I get it, okay. I don't have a right to be mad, but throwing my words back at me hurts. I didn't think you'd be mean about this, Jay." She crossed her arms defensively across her chest. Hearing such bitter words from Jay was difficult for Erin to hear.

Jay gave a derisive laugh. "Yeah, well those words have hurt me pretty deeply over the last few months. Maybe it's mean, but now you can have a taste of your own medicine." All the anger and frustration just spilled out of him. He really didn't want to hurt Erin, but she'd put him through a lot of this year, and he just didn't know how to deal with it any more.

Erin strutted angrily towards the door. "If you are just here to get your kicks out of seeing me hurt, just get out!" She narrowed her eyes in warning, "You need to leave before we both say anymore that could possible damage what little of our friendship we have left."

Jay crossed his arms and stood his ground, "No."

Erin's mouth dropped in surprise, "No? What do you mean 'no'?"

Jay shrugged nonchalantly, "I'm not leaving."

Erin rolled her eyes, "Then what do you want? I'm not up to being your verbal punching bag. So if you have a point. Get to it."

Jay strode the short distance to her until he was so close she had to tilt her head back to look up at him. His voice was low but firm, with an edge of anger in it. "If I leave now. It's over and done, Erin. No more us. No relationship, no friendship. Hell, I don't even know if we can salvage our partnership at this point."

Erin's face contorted slightly in fear at this, but quickly tried to calm her features back into in an irritated scowl. "If that's how you feel. Fine! If that's what you want. Go!" She met his eyes with fire, but a faint quiver in her voice betrayed her.

Jay groaned in frustration and ran his hands through his hair and spun around taking a few steps away from her before spinning back around. "That's just it, Erin. It's not what I want, and you know it! It's you that's not being honest about how you feel." He quickly stalked back over to her. He firmly placed his hands on her shoulders. "Why did it upset you to see me with Sylvie?"

"Stop it!" Erin cried, she could feel her eyes starting to fill with tears. She tried to step back and pull away from him, but he just moved with her.

"No, Erin. Tell me. I _need_ to hear it, Erin." Jay's words were demanding as his blue eyes searched her face, desperate for her to say the words he most wanted to hear. He tighten his hands on her shoulders

"I can't!" she cried, she turned her head, willing the tears to not fall.

Jay gently cupped the side of her face and pulled her head back to look up at him, "Please, just once. After all we have been through. Erin?" The pleading in his voice broke her heart and allowed a tear to fall. He brushed it away with his thumb. He whispered, "Say it, Erin. Tell me. Tell me why it hurts so much."

She gasped softly, trying to hold back a sob, "Because I love you."

Jay captured her lips in a slow sweet kiss, even as tears spilled from her eyes and a sob broke from her chest. The salt from her tears mingling with the taste of him. His lips were firm and gentle. A harsh contrast to angry words they had shared just minutes earlier. She allowed herself to sink into his embrace as his lips caressed and soothed away the hurt. Jay pulled back for a second and murmured against her cheek, "I love you, too." Before she could react or respond, he reclaimed her mouth and gently teased her lips until her thoughts were muddled and all she could think of was him.

Only a few short minutes or maybe an eternity later, Jay broke the kiss and wrapped his arms around her in a tight embrace. His body enveloped her, his face buried in her hair breathing her scent in. It was as if he was trying to hold in the moment. Hold in her love. His fear real, since every time they took one step forward, it was usually followed by a mile jump backwards. Finally, taking a deep breath, he released her and took a small step back. He dropped his arms from around her, but as if the loss of contact was too much, he reached back between them and grabbed her hands and clasped them in between his. Erin glanced at their intertwined fingers for a few moments before risking a glance up into his eyes. She wasn't sure what to expect, but his face was almost unreadable. His eyes were hooded and cast down, and his lips formed a grim line. She wasn't sure what she expected, but the solemnness in his gaze was not it for sure.

She could see him take a steadying breath, "You love me but..." he allowed his sentence to trail off. His voice was soft but absent of emotion.

Confused, she repeated his words, "But…what?"

He glanced quickly away from her look and took another deep breath, as if trying to steady himself for some dreaded declaration. Finally he looked and met her questioning eyes, "You love me, but… still don't want to be with me."

Erin tried to pull her hands back from his, but he wouldn't release her. "Jay…" She began, but she didn't continue. She didn't know what to say. As much as every fiber of her being wanted to just be with him, she couldn't deny it was complicated.

Jay's grip on her hands tightened. Her lack of an answer caused the doubt and truth of their situation to wash over him. "Is that still how you feel, Erin?" She could see him fighting to control his emotions.

Wanting too sooth him, but still unsure, Erin raised their joined hands to her lips and gave them a gentle kiss. "I don't know." She saw a flicker of something behind his eyes, hope?

Jay released her hands to pull her in for another kiss. This one not to sooth and comfort but to tease and arouse. His hands winding through her hair while his mouth set to work on awakening every nerve in her. Her own hands wandered and caressed the body that she had thought just a few minutes ago might never be hers to explore again. When they broke apart several minutes later, Erin was panting slightly with need. Jay rested his forehead against hers as they regained their breath. "We can do this, Erin. We can make this work." His lips brushed against hers once more, "It just feels so right. I know you feel this."

"I do," Erin whispered against his mouth, "but…" She could feel Jay tense at the word. She pulled back slightly and reached a hand up to gently stroke his face, trying to smooth away the worried crease that had formed in his forehead. "I'm still not sure we want the same things in the future."

Jay took a step back, allowing Erin's hand to drop from his face. She thought he was going to walk away from her. Her stomach swirled in anxiety. Instead he grabbed her hand and led her over to the couch. He sat down and gently tugged on her to sit next to him. "Then let's talk. Instead of running away, lying, hiding how we really feel, or making assumptions. Let's talk."

Erin nodded in agreement and pulled her legs up under her as she sat to face Jay. Her nerves bouncing all over the place. She had no idea how this conversation would end. The uncertainty was almost overwhelming. She didn't want to lose him forever, but she just didn't know how to escape the cycle of hurt that they had found themselves in over the last few months. She looked up into Jay's face. Unlike the unreadable expression he had worm earlier, she could see a new determination in his eyes. Her arm rested on the back of the couch, nervously toying with the edge of the couch pillow. Sensing her discomfort and anxiety, Jay reached up and allowed his hand to rest along her arm. His fingers soothing and tracing paths on her arm and hand. His touch and expression immediately calming to her jittery nerves. She let out a long breath and allowed herself to relax.

Suddenly without warning, Jay blurted out, "Someday I want to marry you and start a family with you." Erin's eyes popped open in surprise and she gasped out loud at Jay's bluntness. She had expected him to deny what he wanted or maybe talk about an unseen, unspecified future. She never expected the first words out of his mouth would be about marriage and family. The two words most likely to send her running for the hills. Her anxiety ratcheted up to one hundred percent at his words. Instinctively, she tried to pull away from his touch. His grip remained firm. "Uh, uh. No running away. Talk." His eyes were steady and fixed on hers. "Your turn."

Erin's mouth opened in surprise. After Jay's declaration, she didn't even know what to say. React to his statement, or state her own concerns. She dropped her eyes to the couch and studied the fabric pattern as she tried to make sense of her mixed emotions and wavering thoughts.

Finally she looked up and met his patient, calm gaze. "I just don't think that's me. I can't imagine being a wife. A _mother_? I can't see it!" She couldn't keep the incredulous tone out of her own voice at the thought of her as a mother. The image of her own mother flashed into her head.

Jay nodded his head adamantly. "I can. I can see it, Erin."

Erin shook her head in disbelief. Jay was fooling himself. He knew what her own mother was like. That was in her blood. There was Bunny inside of her. This summer was evidence of that.

Jay took her hands and wrapped them in his. "Do you ever wonder why I love you?" Erin's surprised eyes met his. She gave a slight head shake, embarrassed. Although she'd often wondered what Jay saw in her. "It's your heart, Erin." He reached across and tapped her chest where her heart lay beating rapidly. "You are so loving to people you care about. You have such a capacity for loving, I don't even think you are aware of it. It doesn't even matter how well you know someone. You love, Erin." Erin swallowed nervously.

He stroked her hand slowly, "I can see you as a mom, too. You love kids, Erin. You talk with them like they matter, and they always look at you like you hang the moon. Your kids are going to idolize their mom, Er. I just know it. And you are going to love them so deeply. You are going to do everything in your power to make their lives happy, safe, and just plain amazing." He took a deep breath. "I'd just be so honored if one day, you wanted me to be the father of those children."

Erin let her mind form a quick image of her and Jay curled up on this very couch, only two little bodies were snuggled in between them. A spunky little girl with eyes as blue as the sky. A serious young boy with a smattering of freckles across the bridge of his nose. Her heart swelled immediately. She loved them already, and they weren't even real. She tried to shake the image from her head.

"Jay, I'm not ready for those things." She gave him a sad smile. "I'm just figuring out my own life, let alone bringing kids into the picture."

Confused, she saw Jay smile. A grin crossing his face, lighting up his eyes.

"What?" She questioned. His smile contagious, she allowed it to spread to her face. She didn't even know why she was smiling. Him smiling, just made her happy. She laughed, "What did I say? Why are you smiling?"

He bit his lip thoughtfully, then he leaned over and gave her a smacking kiss on the lips, before pulling back.

"Jay! What did I say?" she repeated in exasperation.

He chuckled softly. "It's not what you said. It's what you didn't say." Seeing the confused look on her face, he reluctantly elaborated. "You didn't say no."

Erin's mouth once again dropped open in surprise as she tried to recollect her exact words.

Jay shrugged, "Erin, I'm not ready either. I don't have a place for kids in my life right now." He gave her a sideways look, "And I am not proposing marriage either." He scooted closer to her and ran his fingers along her arms. Tracing his fingers along her hands and forearms. His fingers then reaching up to gently trace her jawline. His fingertips gently dancing upon her skin and lips.

"I just need to know that someday, it's a possibility." His eyes were shining bright, full of love. "Right now, I just want to be with you. I want to be able to love you without hiding it. Hold your hand at the movie theater, grab dinner at that new place down the street, make love all night, and kiss you good morning. I want to see what it's like spend a rainy weekend in bed with you. I want to drag you kicking and screaming to Wisconsin. I want learn what a life with you might be like. And then, someday, if all of that is as awesome as I think it is going to be, I'm going to want more."

Erin's heart was beating a frantic pace as Jay spoke. She locked eyes with Jay, she allowed herself to speak her greatest fear. "What if….what if it doesn't work out?" Her expression showed the fear that had caused her to build up her walls so thick they were almost impenetrable.

Jay let out a soft breath, "It's always a possibility, but it's worth the risk, Erin. Cause if it does work out. It could lead to the most amazing life imaginable. You and me. Us. Forever."

She reached across and wrapped her arms around him, burying her face in his chest, "I'm still scared, Jay." He held her in his embrace, his hands stroking softly against her back, while her cheek rested against his chest.

"I'm scared, too, Erin. But losing you scares me more." He feels her nod against his chest.

Her voice is a bit muffled, "When I saw you today, with her, I thought I'd lost you."

He pulls back to look her in the eye, "Nothing happened there. I promise. I was just trying to get my mind off you." He laughed, "Sylvie saw right through me and immediately called me out on being in love with you."

Erin let the idea that Jay had been secretly carrying on with Brett leave her mind. She didn't doubt that Jay had been trying to honestly move on, but she also knew that he loved her. She never doubted him on that. She had really put him through a lot. She let a half grin cross her features, he must really love her to put up with all her bullshit.

Seeing the smile, Jay let out a large exhale. "So…"

Erin shrugged, "So…" At Jay's frustrated look, Erin laughed. "So…, yes, I'm in. Let's give this shot."

Jay's face exploded in joy, but he immediately tried to rein in his exuberance. "I'm sorry, I'm just…" Unable to find the words, he indulged in one more kiss. Leaning back, he looked closely into her eyes. "Can you say it again, Erin?"

His smile warmed her heart, "I'm in?" She laughed lightly, knowing those words, while causing Jay's smile, weren't the words he most wanted to hear again.

"Uh, uh," He shook his head. She kissed him teasingly.

"Was it that I said, 'Let's give this a shot'?" She let another kiss brush against his lips, while Jay's fingers slid under her shirt and teased the soft skin with his warm touch.

"Nope!" His hands slid to her hips and gripped them, yanking her up and onto him, causing her limbs to spill over his body while her chest pressed close to his as he reclined back against the couch.

She could feel the thump of his heartbeat against his chest, while her heart fought to find the rhythm of his. She pushed herself up slightly on her forearms and looked up into his caring eyes. Her hair cascaded around her face curtaining them within, her voice was soft, "I love you, Jay."

His smile and kiss filled Erin with confidence. This was right. She could feel it. She didn't know why she had spent so much time fighting this. She didn't know what she had done to deserve Jay in her life. Why he was willing to stick by her and love her in spite of everything. All she knew was that at this moment, nothing felt more perfect. She wasn't alone in this world anymore. She had Jay, and they had forever.

 **Author's Note: Well, that's the end! I've enjoyed writing this first story for this awesome pairing. I hope in January to find some new inspiration for more stories when the show returns. Thank you for all your kind reviews, and I hope their happy ending makes up for all the angst!**


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